jace

September: Trouble in Paradise

tuesday

Elizabeth was missing in action for the remainder of the summer and I was positive that I was at fault. I wasn't sure what I'd done wrong, but I only sent one apology email, I didn't want to seem overbearing.

Garrett, Jacob, Amy and I met outside of the library at Edgerton-Forrester High School and I remembered how we used to do that our freshman year and how Jacob was still the shortest because he'd only grown half an inch in four years. And how Garrett had grown six inches and had been forced to sit in the back of every class. And how Amy still had so many adventures and broken noses and weird teachers to live through.

"Overton, where in the hell is your damn girlfriend?" Jacob was trying to figure out the coolest way to carry his books without using a backpack.

I shrugged, "I haven't seen her in awhile."

Garrett crossed his arms, "Trouble in paradise?"

"Why would there be trouble in paradise? The point of a paradise is that there isn't any trouble."

He rolled his eyes, "Sorry I asked."

"She'll show up," Amy said, smiling tightly and stepping closer to Garrett. I couldn't remember exactly when they'd gotten together, but I was sure that it had happened sometime over the summer.

"Yeah, I guess so."

saturday

The day of my interview, Courtney made sure that I looked extra professional, I had to wear a suit jacket and tie. Nebraska Psychiatric Hospital was extremely selective about it's employees and volunteers.

It was spotless, as usual and the little woman at the front desk directed me to the East Wing of the hospital where the offices and meeting rooms were located. Meeting Room 1B held a long wooden table and one dozen chairs and three people that I assumed would be conducting the interview. The first two introduced themselves as Dr. Cole and Ms. Pepper--she didn't like to be called Dr. Pepper for obvious reasons. The third didn't need an introduction, it was Mr. Searly.

"What are your long term goals?" Dr. Cole asked.

"Go to Harvard, graduate from Harvard, move out of my sister's house, become a psychiatrist."

Then it was Ms. Pepper's turn, "Why do you want to volunteer here?"

"I stayed here for a month three years ago and it was a place where I felt safe. So I guess it comes from the desire to make people feel the same way."

Mr. Searly went last, "Do you think your disorder will effect your ability to be a substantial volunteer?"

I shook my head, "No."

And then there was a pause and Mr. Searly asked why and I explained that it would actually make me a more fit volunteer. It would provide me a unique view into the minds of the patients, a view of what they feel and see and experience that years of research can't provide.

Dr. Cole and Ms. Pepper and Mr. Searly exchanged glances and smiled, they each shook my hand and dismissed me from the room. And I felt pretty good about myself.

"Mr. Searly?"

He was exiting the East Wing with lots of folders in his arms and he smiled at me. "Hi, jace."'

"How did I do?"

"You did great."

"Really? Are you sure?"

He looked around and pulled me to the side. "I'm technically not allowed to tell you this, so you'll have to keep it quiet."

I nodded, "Of course."

"You will definitely have a position here, there's no doubt about it."

saturday

Elizabeth appeared in school as if she hadn't disappeared in the first place and even worse, she refused to talk about it and that made me upset. So she came to my house and we watched TV until the silence between us finally got to me.

"Elizabeth, did I do something wrong?"

She frowned at me, "No...why?"

"You disappeared and I was just assuming that it was my fault. I mean, it usually is. Right?"

She frowned some more, "No."

"Then why'd you stop talking to me?"

She pulled her knees to her chest and shrugged her shoulders, "I just--I just do that sometimes."

"What's that supposed mean?"

"It means that I can't do this all of the time."

"Am I causing problems for you or something?"

"God jace, that's not what I said."

And then I realized that we were having our first arguement and it didn't feel good at all. It meant that there was a lot being said and very little understanding. And if Elizabeth and I couldn't understand each other, then who else would?

So she finally explained that she wanted some time to "get her thoughts together" and I asked why she could only do that when I wasn't around. And she said that not everything had to do with me, though it must've had something to do with me if she was willing to cut me off so easily. And by this point she was standing on the other side of the room and stomping her feet to emphasize her words and I was fuming with anger that I didn't know that I had the capacity to feel, let alone communicate.

And I was thinking that it was just like family therapy all over again and Elizabeth and I were my parents and just like them we were headed for destruction.

And then she said, "Shut up jace. Just shut up."

So I did.

After awhile she said, "I was close to messing up and I stayed away from you partly because I was embarassed and partly because my parents thought that it was your fault."

"What do you mean 'messing up?'"

"They almost took me back...to the hospital."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"The usual stuff. Feeling worthless and lost and crappy and purposeless." And then she said that she'd figured it out. That she wanted to go to school for education and she wanted to become a kindergarten teacher. "I've always liked kids. They haven't been ruined yet, you know?"

Elizabeth always had a way of explaining things so that I could understand them. And at that moment I saw Elizabeth in front of a class of 25 five year olds, singing through the 26 letters of the alphabet and encouraging them to participate in Show and Tell and I didn't think that there was anyone that would make a better teacher.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her close to me, because I didn't really want to argue anymore and then we were kissing on my sister's living room couch because it was called a loveseat for a reason.

And in the midst of it all she said, "There's something else."

And I sighed, because I was really enjoying myself. "What do you mean?"

"Massachusetts, that's far away isn't it?"

"It's a full 25 hours away, if you drive nonstop."

"I don't really know what things are gonna be like without you."

And I just leaned in and kissed her again, because I hadn't thought about it either.