jace

January: Shopping Trips and Paperwork

saturday
I was reading my acceptance letter from Nebraska Psychiatric Hospital when Courtney said "jace, I'm not happy about this." She and Eli stood in front of me and while he looked excited, she looked upset.

I frowned, "What are you talking about?"

Eli dangled a set of keys in front of my eyes, they went to Courtney's 1988 Volkswagen. "We thought you needed a car."

"Elijah thought that you needed my car," Courtney crossed her arms and glared at the floor.

Then Eli explained that Courtney's car was a "piece of crap" and in order for her to get a car that wasn't crap, she had to get rid of the current one. So it was being handed down to me, "not that you're crap jace."

I thanked them and grabbed the keys and picked up my friends because I figured that they'd want to know.

"Wow jace," Jacob said, picking at the lining of the backseat. "Your car's a piece of shit."

I nodded, "Thank you."

"I think it's nice," Elizabeth said. "It's vintage."

Garrett shook his head, "No one uses that word correctly."

We drove in circles around Lincoln County and I thought it was a sort of celebration. Celebration of my car and my commencement and my internship. And the fact that there wouldn't be anymore broken noses or weird teachers or episodes. We were celebrating the fact that the four of us were finally in a good space, a space where we could do nothing but grow. But good spaces were never good for very long.

sunday
I met my mom at some large department store around the corner from my house, she wanted to buy me new clothes for my internship even though I told her it wasn't necessary because Courtney had made sure I had plenty of clothes.

She said, "Im still your mom jace," to which I frowned because I wasn't so sure.

We walked around the store for hours and she bought me things she thought that I'd like without ever asking me what I thought. And I think that that was my mom's problem. She always thought that she knew best, she never took the time to inquire about what she didn't know.

While we were walking toward my 1988 Volkswagen my mom said, "I'm glad we spent this time together."

"I know."

And then her smile got shaky at the corners just like it used to when my father would tell her that her jokes weren't funny or when Courtney would poke some hole in her facade of happiness. And then she frowned and it was almost like my mom had aged 10 years right before my eyes. Then she said, "You don't seem glad."

"Maybe I've outgrown shopping trips."

"Right," she parked the shopping cart next to the Wolkswagen and stomped off to her car.

I frowned, "Sorry."

wednesday
My internship began with paperwork, lots of paperwork. It guaraunteed that I wouldn't sue if I were to be bitten or punched or harmed in anyway by a patient and that I wouldn't retaliate by biting or punching or harming the patients. And after that I shadowed Dr. Searly while he made his rounds. He said that I could call him Mr. Searly if I wanted to, but he had earned the Doctor title, the least I could do was use it.

Nebraska Psychiatric Hospital hadn't changed much, it still seemed the same as it was when I was a patient. Most everyone kept to themselves and made me wonder why they were admitted in the first place. And then I remembered Elizabeth and myself and how we probably seemed perfectly fine, and I wondered if I would have to witness any episodes. I didn't want to.

The staff cafeteria was in the patient restricted part of the East Wing. The kitchen staff rolled in carts of food that had been plated and wrapped individually. Everyone besides Dr. Searly and myself ate in silence, I guess we had too much catching up to do.

"I have a question."

"Okay," Dr. Searly still brought his lunch, he still bagged everything at least twice.

"Elizabeth won't let me meet her parents. Do you know why?"

"I don't know, you should ask her."

"I did."

"What did she say?"

"She said that she didn't want them to ruin me."

"That makes sense." And then he told me to think about Courtney and Eli and how hard it was knowing that my mom didn't approve of their relationship. And how embarassed Courtney must have been of my mom and how I didn't want to put Elizabeth through the same thing. And the way that he explained everything made a lot of sense.