Broken Wings

Side Chapter 6.2 - Who am I

It's pure utter torture. I don't know how long I have been tortured that I just gave up trying to get out of it. The darkness. The numbness. The heavy feeling that you can not control your entire being. I'm. About. To. Lose. My. Mind.

I want to cry. I want to shout. I want to laugh at how ridiculous I can feel so many things all at once but really not feeling anything from my own body. It's like my mind is on a race 200kph but my body is tied up from the starting line.

I tried asking for help. So many times. But just like how I wanted to open my eyes so badly, seeking help is just as futile effort. I give up. I wanted to give up. But... do I really give up? Is that who I am?

Wait. Who am I, at the first place?

I tried to get a name out of my head but there's nothing that comes to it. In my mind, there are stacks of images, memories scattered everywhere but I don't even know how to process it. Like I can see a face of a little girl, was that even me when I was young? Is that still even me now? I can't put these images in a timeline nor a point on a place where it happened. I don't even know what happened behind these images. These short moments inside my brain.

Yeah. I guess I'm losing it.

I want this to end so badly. Yes. Why not just give up to the numbness? To not feeling anything? To not knowing anything? I'm not gonna get out of this trance anytime soon so might as well give up now.

Well, that's what I thought just a second ago. Is that even a second? I don't know how to even process time now, huh?

But something... pulled me out of that trance. A voice. It speaks to me.

"So, Rosé." it says. Rosé? Is it me? Is it my name?

The voice continued speaking which somehow blurred in my ears as if the voice was talking underwater. Are we under water?

Then it sings. God. It sings. So maybe, not underwater, unless that voice is from a mermaid. Or maybe... I'm already dead. Well, I gave up earlier. Maybe that's why heaven welcomes me with an angel and its... sad song. Why is it sad though?

Then it stops. The singing stops. I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell the voice not to stop singing, that if he's really welcoming me to the afterlife, he should be singing for a hundred years. But then again, I still can't move, can't speak, and can't see. Am I still alive or is death really like this?

Silence. There's nothing again aside from my thoughts. I hate this silence. I hate it so much it drives me so mad.

HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Right at that moment, I felt a spark in my fingertips. Then slowly, my body feels as if electricity starts to flow in my veins. It's tingling every sense I don't even know I still have. What's this? Does this mean I'm alive?

All at once, I'm aware of my whole body. I can feel everything now. Pain. I can feel my entire body in pain. But unlike being numb, feeling this pain made me grateful. This pain is bearable than the numbness I was caged from. This pain somehow brings me hope for my sanity. This pain is what I can hold on to know I'm still alive.

I can hear a faint beeping sound near me. What is that? Where am I even at?

Slowly, I tried to get out of the darkness. Flickers of faint light fill my eyes the moment I managed to open it. It was a hard process but it is worth the effort. It is so worth it to know I'm still alive.

Two out of the three problems I had were solved. The numbness and the darkness. But facing the third one started a panic in me. I had overcome the two but why can't I overcome this? Why can't I still make sense of everything?

I looked around, moving my head slowly as I can manage. It's dark here but not as dark from where I came from. Here, there's a small lamp that somehow manages to give out enough light to see the room. I look at my body seeing that there are wires and tubes connected to it. Hospital? I am at a hospital. How did I get here?

I continued looking around the room. At my right, there's a bedside table with a vase of flowers and a basket of fruits on top of it. Right after it is nothing but a wall and a painting. There's a space at the end of the wall though that maybe leads to the door.

I then turn to my right and see a big glass window that overlooks the night sky sitting above a quiet sleeping city. I want to cry. I'm a live after all to be able to see the stars.

Then just below the window, there's a man sleeping soundly. The light from the lamp beside me illuminates on his face that I can see a tiny on his left cheek. I stared at it for a while thinking how did he get it but my train of thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening.

I heard a gasp and turn my head to look who that is but I can't think of a name for her. It's a young lady wearing a purple uniform with a white cap sitting neatly on the top of her head. A nurse. Which indeed proves I'm in a hospital. A win as I can still process thoughts like that.

"You're awake. Mr. Je-" she was about to go to the guy and wake him up but I was able to hold her hand before she can even do that. I shake my head in disapproval as I don't want to bother that guy. He looks restless that's why I don't want to bother him. I don't even know who he is. What will I say when he wakes up?

The nurse told me that she'll get a doctor to check up on me before she left. After a while, the doctor came and checked my vitals. When he speaks, I wasn't able to understand him completely as he spoke some words I don't know of. I tried to speak to him but found that the words I know of the same language are limited which is why it took me awhile to reply. "My body is... aching... but it's bearable."

The doctor hints something from my reply. "Do you speak other languages? I think you're having a hard time speaking in Korean."

I thought the answer for a while. Language? Korean? I scan my brain through the scattered images and memories I have. Language? There should be something here, anything in this brain, to know the answer to that.

Suddenly, I hear something at the back of my mind. Good morning, little one. Let's eat breakfast.

English. I know English.

"I think yes." I reply in English.

The doctor frowns. "You think? Can you tell me more about it?" He also replies in English which I found easier to understand than the language earlier.

Can I even tell more about it? I don't know how to answer. I don't know where to get the answer. Reality sinks in that I don't really know anything. I don't know my name. I don't know where I'm from nor how I know English or is there more languages I know of. I don't know what happened to me. I don't know how to process all the things in my brain that feels disconnected from one another.

I don't know what to do that I started to cry. The doctor gets alarmed by my tears and asks if I feel any pain around my body. I shrugged. Though my body is in pain, it's not the reason I'm crying.

"I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, doctor."