Prince Caspian -Jung Yoonoh NCT

36. I Can't Do It Anymore

"Where have you been? Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?" You should have answered my calls, instead of running away, and causing me so much worry. But then you were always prone to running..."

I hear the note of laughter in his voice and my heart quivers.

That magic night, I had run from him across a silvered lawn after he had kissed me, and the nightingale had filled the air with song, but when he had caught up with me, he had asked if I thought he would try to seduce Cousin Mark's fiancee.

He takes a step towards me.

I open my mouth and say very clearly and very steadily, "Go away."

"No, I won't."

He is standing right next to me.

"I have decided," I say with as much dignity as I can, even though the tears are streaming down my face, "that I hate you, and I don't want to marry you anymore."

"What?"

"I want to end this engagement. You were right all along. It was a mistake from the start. I was an idiot not to realise it. But now," I draw a deep breath, and dash the tears away from my eyes, "you will be relieved to know that I have come to my senses, and all thanks to you."

I look at him straight in the eye, and draw myself to my full height.

"I hereby release you from my grandfather's clause. I hereby terminate our engagement."

I take out my key, turning my back on him pointedly.

"I have nothing more to say to you, Mr. Jung. So please, go away."

"Not so fast, you little ninny."

He puts his hands over mine. His brows are knitted over eyes that are beginning to smoulder with rising anger.

"It takes two to make an engagement and two to break it, darling." He is very angry. That pulse is pulsing madly in the hollow of his neck. "I'm not some boy you can trifle with, sweetheart, not some callow lovesick fool of an intern. Don't try to play hot and cold with me."

"I'm not playing. I mean it. I've nothing more to say to you, so please go away."

He mutters something that sounds like an oath.

"Don't be so silly. You're behaving like a naughty child, and there's only one effective way of dealing with kids."

I lift my chin defiantly. 

"I'm too old to spank."

"Oh no, you're not," he snaps, his eyes glinting. "In fact, it's something I'd like to do right now. You've been spoilt rotten by Grandpa."

"You wouldn't dare," I whisper.

"Try me." His eyes are very dark, his mouth a thin, tight line.

A woman walks past  and stares at us curiously.

"Look," he says, in a quieter tone. "We can't talk here. Open the door. Let's talk inside."

"What?" I yelp. "In-inside?"

"Yes. Open it. Right now."

"No." I stick out my chin mutinously. "You can't. It's my apartment."

"You will. It belongs to me. The whole fucking building belongs to me. So you can open it quietly like a good girl, and we can go in and talk like civilised adults. You can't shut me out. I have a spare key."

"I'll double-lock it from the inside. You won't be able to get in."

"Then I'll kick it down. And no one will do a thing because I own the whole fucking building."

I back away from him and glance round nervously for a refuge. 

"You'll do as I say. Now. Open it. Now."

I glare at him.

 'We've got to thrash this out. I'm not going to put up with the whims and fancies of a brat of a schoolgirl."

I turn to flee, but he's overtaken me in two swift strides, and caught my arm in an iron grip. 

"How dare you!' I gasp. "You - you big bully!" 

"Will you come quietly or do I have to carry you?" 

He looks quite capable of carrying out his threat. 

"That won't be necessary," I say hastily, clutching at my dignity.

I unlock the door, and he shuts the door behind me with a bang. 

"So where have you been all night? I've been trying and trying to call you all night. Great idea, turning off your phone." His lip curls.

"I - walked."

"You walked? For two whole hours?"

"Yes." My voice is a whisper.

"Why?"

"I needed to think."

"Think? About what?"

"You. And me."

"What about you and me?" His mouth is a tight thin line.

"I don't think it's working..."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean - " A sob rises to my throat. "I mean I don't want to do this anymore..."

I look at him, my eyes welling with tears.

"It's too hard. I can't do it anymore, I just can't."

He doesn't say anything, he just stares at me, that pulse beating at the hollow of his throat.

"I don't want to be sad anymore." My voice is a plaintive wail. "I'm so tired of being sad."

The tears are streaming down my face.

"I don't want to be this sad person anymore. I used to be happy, before - before you came into my life. Everything was so simple then, so clear-cut."

My words are spilling over in a rush, it feels so liberating to be able to speak, to get the words out, the ball of misery unfurling into a torrent, a flood, as if a dam has broken deep inside of me.

"But now all I feel is sadness, or hurt, or jealousy, or anger - and I don't want to feel all these feelings. I hate them so much. They're horrible, and they're making me horrible - I feel awful inside, and it's making me into someone I don't recognise anymore...I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't like this new me, and I've thought about it, and I know, I'm very sure that Grandfather wouldn't want me to be sad, I know he'd be very sad if he saw me, what I've become..."

"So," I falter, and say in an unsteady voice, " can we just go back to the way it was, and forget this - you - ever happened?"

He takes a step towards me, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

"Are you saying that you really want to end our engagement?" His voice is very quiet.

"Yes," I lift up my chin, and look into his grim face. "I want to break our engagement. It was a mistake from the start. You told me it was a mistake, and you were right, but I was just too stupid to realise it."

"I see."

His voice is very low, and I look down at my feet.

"Yiseul." His voice is very gentle.

I keep my eyes on my feet, and swallow.

"Look at me. Please."

Slowly, reluctantly, I raise my eyes to his.