Prince Caspian -Jung Yoonoh NCT

53. The Truth

Jae and I sit on a wooden bench in the garden after dinner. I enjoy this time of the day, the wisps of wood smoke in the cooling air, the streaks of twilight in the sky, the first pinpricks of fireflies.

"We need to talk," he says quietly. "You need to listen to me."

I nod. I have things to tell him, too. It is time.

There is something about my life that is scripted with his. It is as if our lives are interwoven, entangled, despite my attempts to keep them separate. We keep intersecting, crossing, crashing together.

"I lied," he says. "I came to find you," he swallows. "To tell you that I love you. It has nothing to do with Ravenscrag." He looks at me, pain in his eyes. "I made a mistake letting you go two years ago. I should have fought for you, forced you to listen to me. But..." His voice dwindles to a whisper. "I was too proud. I have always been too proud. You said I was like your father. It hurt me. I am nothing like him." He looks at me. "Nothing happened that evening. Nicola came, just before you did. She climbed onto my lap. She kissed me. She told me that she was attracted to me. I told her that the feeling wasn't mutual. I told her that I was going to propose to you."

"Propose?" My throat is bone-dry.

"I bought a ring," he says quietly. "I was going to propose to you that night. Just as soon as you came to my place. I wanted to marry you as soon as possible, I wanted to announce it to the whole world." His smile is sad. "But you refused to listen, you stormed out. And, you told me to leave at the hotel. It was in my pocket the next morning when I came to see you at your apartment. But you were so cold. You looked at me as if you hated me. You said you didn't ever want to see me again. I thought of going down on my knees, and begging you to listen. But I looked at your face, and I felt angry, angry that you didn't trust me enough, angry that you wouldn't listen, and I was too proud; you had hurt my pride, I told myself I would never, never chase after someone who didn't want me anymore, I would not demean myself further by pleading with you, I would let you go, since you wanted it, I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, it was what you wanted. You returned the engagement ring, and I shoved it into my pants pocket; my fingers brushed against the box with the new ring that I had bought two weeks before...like an excited schoolboy, I had hidden it in my drawer, delirious with anticipation, thinking about the surprise and joy on your face when I slip it on your finger. I didn't take out the box, there wasn't any point, because you didn't want me anymore. And so I left..."

"I told myself that I would forget you. I was angry with you. You had hurt my pride. You had hurt me." He squeezes his eyes shut, and when he opens them again, they are very sad. "But I was just fooling myself. I couldn't stop thinking about you." He smiles wryly at the look on my face. "I think about you all the time." I bite hard on my bottom lip to stop myself from crying. "Let's walk," he says, and I fall into step beside him. "I never forgot you," he says again.

"Yiseul," he stops and looks me in the eyes. "I never stopped loving you."

I feel like the world is falling out from beneath my feet. Jae and I are in China. I am in China. He loves me. He thinks about me all the time.

I stand with my hands clenched at my sides.

"You just disappeared. A day after you returned the ring, I went to your apartment. But you had left. I almost went mad. I hired private detectives to find you. But they came up with nothing. Your phone was no longer in service. Your email account had been deleted. You had vanished without a trace. The months passed. And still no news of you. I went on with life. I worked, I kept myself busy. After a while, I told myself this was it. It was time to let you go. I tried to heal. I knew that I needed to forget you and move on. I hurt so much; every day felt like a death sentence. I mourned you like you were dead and then, I met a woman. Her name was Sumae. We were set up on a blind date. She was the opposite of you. She was thirty years old; a lawyer, older than you, tall, striking, confident. She never got drunk. She never blushed. We took our time getting to know each other. We went out together. I thought I was doing okay. For the first time in a year, I felt hope. I thought that I had done it; I had got you out of my system."

He looks unseeingly into the shadowy canopy of trees.

"And then, all of a sudden I missed you again. I mean, I never stopped missing you, but this time it hit me hard. I couldn't go to sleep for a single night without seeing you in my dreams. I compared everything Sumae did to everything I remembered about you. It was like the old wound opened itself up again and I was bleeding out my feelings for you." I close my eyes at his words. Words that I want to hear badly but that are making my heart ache so terribly I can barely breathe.

"I went on a business trip to Cornwall and I was glad to get away from her for a few days. I needed to think and sort things out before I decided to commit myself to her. She wanted commitment. Marriage. I was thirty-one. It was high time I settled down. Then, while I was there, I went to Ravenscrag. I walked to the cliffs. I stared at the spot where I had fallen at your feet. And I knew - I knew, right there and then, I could never give you up. I had to try again. One final time to see you in person, to explain. And if you didn't want me, if you still hated me, I would return, and marry Sumae. It would be a comfortable marriage. I was fond of her, and she was crazy about me. No highs, and no lows, either."

"Then they called me and said you were here. I couldn't believe it. I made a crazy excuse at the office, I had a business convention to attend, billions at stake, but I didn't care. All I could think of was you. I took the earliest flight I could find to get here. So, I came, to tell you the truth, to lay my heart bare for you, Jung Yiseul. I'm done with hiding behind my stupid pride. I love you. I've always loved you. I was just too proud to say it. I couldn't bring myself to say it. I guess it made me feel vulnerable, weak, to say it. I've always prided myself on being strong. Thing is, I can't be strong anymore, not without you. I'm no longer that man you used to know. I'm just bits and pieces of my old self now, Jung Yiseul. That's what you've done to me. You've crushed my damn pride to dust beneath your tiny feet. And look at me - I'm even crying like a baby...see the power you have over me..." He smiles, even though there are tears in his eyes.

"Jae. Oh, Jae." I'm crying, my tears spilling out.