The Night We Met (KamiShin)

The Second Letter

My Lovely Denki,

Writing to you has become my only healthy, coping mechanism. I can't seem to push myself to do anything else. You wouldn't believe how many letters I've written to you just this month. Unfortunately, I must admit to you, that I have no intent on showing them to you.
You don't need an even heavier weight upon your frail shoulders. You're going through a lot, and dealing with my internal altercations would only be toxic for you. Word after word, letter after letter. The smell of cheap ink and the sound of the same ballpoint pen. I've memorized all of this. I've been counting— every letter "a" and "r", every period, every comma. Everything I put down on paper is thought up thanks to the fading memory of you. I recall every night so clearly— me laying alone on my bed, ogling over you as the sun shoved away the dark sky.
The heavens have always reminded me of you. A strange dome filled with the unknown, just like you. I don't mean it in a bad way at all. I just wished you could've opened up to me from the beginning. It would've saved us so much energy wasted on bickering over simple things. Things that could've been solved through mere communication. They were just misunderstandings, after all. But I understand now, why you always refused to talk about you.
I remember one time especially— a very specific occurrence.
I was an idiot. Why did I say what I said? I feel like my mediocracy as a parted contributed to your condition. I can't help but feel guilty for all of the stupid words I splurged. As if I were vomiting black ink onto a crystal-clear hot spring. I was the human embodiment of toxicity. And I'll never forgive myself for what I did that night.
The one time you decided to open up to me— I just had to ruin it. After that, you slowly started to fade away from my life. I didn't know how to salvage it, but somehow you forgave me and decided to give me a second chance.
That afternoon— it was snowing. The cold, fluffy material covered our ankles. You held my hand and brushed snowflakes out of my hair, smiling as you did so. Your little nose— it was red and runny from the temperature. As was mine, but I couldn't help but admire you. You looked lovely.
I can't quite remember how our conversation switched. You threw a snowball at me. I was quite annoyed at the time, but you ignored my complaints and continued to try and get me to play with you.
Somehow, we both ended up on the ground, laughing at each other's clumsiness. However, it was then when I'd noticed that you'd started loosing weight. It was very subtle, not too noticeable. But the way your eyes sunk in, cheekbones popping out— something was very off about your appearance.
"Hitoshi... I have to tell you something." You said.
I would've listened. I should've. But I was having too much of a good time to take anything seriously. Regardless, I pretended to listen until those dreadful words crawled out of your mouth, like spiders and moths exiting a corpse.
"I'm sick. Very sick. There's something very wrong with my heart, and I don't have much time left."
The world froze.
It was then when I truly felt the cold of the winter, chewing my skin like a pack of cannibals. I didn't understand. How did you expect me to? I was stupid— oblivious. I still am. But what made you think that I'd take it lightly.
"You're joking, right?" I had said. But as my voice resonated, I remember thinking how it all made sense. You couldn't eat sugar, you couldn't do cardio workouts, you refrained from doing so many things. Why didn't I notice? It added up perfectly, and yet I opted to stay in denial. I couldn't bring myself to accept the statement you'd just said.
"I'm not joking, dude," you'd replied in a serious tone.
"Then elaborate," I'd said, almost mockingly.
And you did. You explained absolutely everything to me. I stayed silent, staring angrily at my frost-bitten hands. I had never felt more betrayed and angry in my whole life. No wonder.
I understand now, though. I understand why you cried for no reason so much. I understand why you were always so careful with who you called your close friends. I understand why you rushed so many things, at times when I knew you weren't ready. But back then, I'd wanted to punch a hole right through your pretty little face.
When you finished talking, I stood up angrily and began walking away from you. Walking away from facing the inevitable. At that moment, I would've never imagined myself writing such a letter to someone in a hospital bed. But things change, don't they?
You called out for me. I could hear a crack in your voice, and for a brief second, I turned around. I saw tears running down your face, cold and almost frozen. You reached out, begging me to not leave you.
But I left. I left you alone, in the middle of the park, kneeling in the cold snow. I left you and didn't even text you to verify that you'd arrived home safely.
But what you don't know is that, when I got home, I didn't even greet my parents. I ran straight to my room, locked myself in, and sobbed. Perhaps that's when my dads started to realize that there was something really wrong with my life. Perhaps that's when things were gonna change. And in a way, they did.
I told them everything. I talked to them, for once. About you. About the horrible news.
My dad— your home room teacher— was quite surprised that I'd fall for a guy like you, given how loud you are in class. I told him not to be a hypocrite.
Both my parents felt really bad about it, and swore not to tell anyone. I'm guessing that eventually, everyone found out. Still, I appreciate their efforts. But they did tell me one thing.
"Why the hell did you leave him alone in this weather? If he told you, it's because he needs you!"
"When you finally voice something you've been keeping quiet for a long time, it's because it's serious and you truly  feel like you're about to explode. Why did you react like that, Hitoshi?"
And I thought about it for a long time. I'm guessing you know how the story ends, because two days later, you received a text from me, begging for your forgiveness.
Obviously, you did.
Why did a dirtbag like me get to be with such a beautiful angel like you?

Forever yours,

Hitoshi