Joshua
That dinner with Clara led to many more and before I knew what was happening I was being introduced to her friends as her boyfriend.
I mean I liked her, I really did but in my head she was just a friend. Yes she was attractive, I wasn't blind. In many ways, the ideal partner any man could want. She was intelligent, beutiful, great job , had her own money but I just wasn't into her as she thought. I was still enamoured by Aaron.
We actually hadn't discussed dating, it was like we just fell into it. To me she had been a distraction. A means to an end. To prevent me from doing anything stupid with Aaron. It was really getting harder for me to pretend that I wasn't madly in love with Aaron.
Many times I fantasised throwing caution to wind and just telling him what I felt and then sanity would reign.
Going to Thailand with him had been the best and worst thing I could have done. I loved spending time with him and it just showed me just how compatible we were, even the quizzes had rated us in the top percentile.
The whole trip had just shown me what life could be with him. Two men living their best possible life in love but I knew it was pretend. It was a façade that would end and end it did the moment we left Thailand.
It's magic didn't carry over once we returned to our normal lives. If anything, we drifted apart. I didn't understand where I had gone wrong with him. All the closeness we had achieved was gone.
He had sent me the videos and pictures we had taken on the trip and it suprised me just how much I had let my guard down around him. He had wormed himself deeper into my heart in a way I hadn't thought possible.
If anything, a part of me thought maybe just maybe we could end up being more than friends. I so desperately wanted to be more than friends with him but nothing in his actions showed me he was open to it.
I mean I had given him space and time to get over Samantha and that Thailand trip had been a godsend. He had been just as excited as I was about it and two days in the trip I was sure he was ready. Ready to hear me out. He was over Samantha.
Everyone had assumed we were a couple anyway and I had watched his reaction to their assumptions and he had seemed ok with it. My heart was became hopeful again. Those repressed feelings had come back with a vengeance. I was in love with Aaron and I wanted to make him mine.
That last night in Thailand it had all felt different. Maybe it was because it was our last night but I had felt like it was about to happen. HE had reached out for my hand.
He had intertwined his fingers through mine and given me a small squeeze. Maybe it was the hot and humid nights but in that moment I was mindblown. I was giddy. It was about to happen. There was no mistaking that simple gesture.
But after that unfortunate phonecall with Clara he had shut down. I had tried to talk to him but he just shut down and insisted on an early night.
I had spent a longtime standing at his door debating whether or not to knock. To confront him and declare my undying love and if we ended in bed, the better. To just say to hell with the consequences and just follow my heart.
But I was a coward and had sadly walked to my room and done nothing. I was plagued with a lot of 'what ifs' that night.
What if Aaron rejected me? He was a straight man after all. What if he was disgusted with me and felt like history was repeating all over again? I could never bear for him to hate me or see me the same as that vile predator.
What if our friendship never recovered? We worked together. How would we act once we got back to work? Obviously by now chances everyone would know about our trip and what would happen if we came back estranged?
We basically lived out of each other's apartment. Would it be easy to separate our lives?
What if he stopped talking to me? Could I bear being apart from him and never speak to him? Could I bear pretending I didn't feel the way I did?
That trip to Thailand was the best and the worst thing that could have happened to us. A lot of things changed and a lot of things didn't change.
He confused me a lot in Thailand especially when he kept on commenting that every other good looking man on the beach was cute and trust me there were too many of those chiselled, tanned men.
It really didn't help with my confidence. Besides did appreciating another man's look make one gay? After hitting on too many straight men, I knew that unless one explicitly said they were open to it, sometimes they were just being nice and those compliments were just compliments.
Dating Clara was made harder by Aaron. Things were awkward between us because he made no secret that he hated Clara. He had no reason to hate her. He was rude and ignored her whenever I tried to include him during dinners or events.
I stopped inviting him along and the whole thing was just too much drama for me. To top it of, Clara and I had chemistry when talking but that energy didn't translate in bed. I was unsatisfied and she made no secret that she didn't enjoy our encounter.
We broke up. We were never going to last. Clara was one of those woman better off being your friend. We enjoyed the same things and I genuinely liked her but I suppose there just wasn't enough chemistry between us to sustain a relationship.
Who was I kidding? I chose Aaron over her and we broke up amicably. It was him I ultimately wanted. It was him I craved for but knew I could never have. Why did my stupid heart want what it can't have?
