Joshua
"This is nice of you to invite me out. I don't see your boyfriend anywhere in sight." I couldn't stop myself from blushing. I cleared my throat and looked at Aaron.
"We are not dating." Aaron laughed.
"I didn't even say his name and you knew exactly who I meant." I realised I missed his laugh. We hadn't hung out together in a while, just the two of us.
I must admit I had been distracted by Gabe. Gabe was a good distraction. I grinned as I thought of him.
"You must really like him. You've been, dare I say happier lately."
"Its been good hanging out with him. Do I really look happy? Seriously?" He lightly punched my shoulder. We clinked our beer mugs.
"Its a nice look on you. You are not so tense and you smiling a lot lately. I'm a bit jealous though. I could never make you this happy."
I didn't know what to say to him. As much as I was having fun with with Gabe, one word from Aaron I would have thrown everything away and fallen at his feet. I still loved him. I don't think I could stop loving him.
As much as I tried to put him in the back of my mind I couldn't. I was failing hard. He had come to my office this morning and all he had to say was I miss you and I had cancelled on Gabe without hesitation. I missed him too.
"You two done 'stuff' yet?" I wasn't sure I had heard him right. The way he avoided my gaze told me that I had heard right.
"Do you really want to know? Besides, since when can you not say kiss? Sex? Touch? I have never known you to be a prude."
His ears turned a bright red and I laughed out loud. He started clearing his throat and that just tickled my funny bone.
"Stop it dude. Forget I even asked. I don't even want to know." I patted his elbow.
"Would you be jealous, if I said yes? Why, does it matter to you?"
I desperately wanted him to say yes. He held my gaze a little too long. I hated that I couldn't reign in my heart. Did he know just how his looks made me feel.
"Yes. But I know it has to happen when getting to know someone." What was he saying to me? It was best to pretend he hadn't said anything.
"No. I tried kissing him the other day. I thought I felt the vibe but I was wrong. He turned me down. I can't believe its the second time that I got turned down by a cute guy.
I just can't seem to get that 'moment' right. Ugh, I think this whole dating men isn't going to work out for me. The guys I like don't like me that way."
I could see guilt flashing across his face. I hadn't said it to make him feel guilty. It was a lot of work remembering what to say and what not to say around him. I sorely missed the days before I hadn't confessed to him.
Just talking about all this reminded me just what I couldn't have. I still wanted Aaron.
"Gabe says until I have my feelings sorted he won't start anything new with me. He will not be a placeholder.
It's frustrating. I badly want to know what it feels like to properly kiss a man. Dating men is a whole new ballpark and I don't know the rules."
"You told him about me?"
"You seem suprised. I was upfront with him. If anything was to happen with him he had to know the whole truth.
I'm trying hard to get over you but progress is slow on that front. I don't even think I have the energy to meet someonelse if this thing with Gabe doesn't pan out."
"You, you shouldnt give up on yourself like that. The love you want is going to happen for you and if its not me or Gabe that's no reason to give up.
Getting yourself out there was just the first step. Keeping the faith is what you need.
You are a great guy. You are really good looking, smart, brave, kind, funny and by all accounts you are a great catch.
One day a great guy will come along and see you as I see you and just want to scoop you up."
Oh god I felt my heart stop. Did he know what he was saying? Just as I was giving up on him, he turns arounds and says just the right words to keep me hooked.
Did he realise what he was doing to me? Did he really feel like that or he was just trying to placate me? To make me feel better?
Just how did he see me? Just how did he define his feelings. I had never asked him or pressed him for answers. Did he perharps harbour some romantic feelings for me after all?
I knew he cared for me. But I wanted more from him.
"Joshua? Fancy seeing you here?" Aaron and I turned and saw Gabe standing behind us. Why did I feel guilty at being with Aaron? It did feel like I was cheating on Gabe.
I didn't fail to notice that Aaron had stiffened. Whenever he didn't like anyone he retreated into himself. I always hated this part of himself. I wanted him to get along with Gabe.
"I should have known that Joshua would cancel on me for Aaron. How are you Aaron?" Aaron just gave him an upward nod. Gabe came and stood at my other side and ordered a beer.
"Cindy is insisting we come for a barbecue this weekend. I tried to say no on your behalf but she said she would rope in Owen to make you come." I laughed.
Gabe was the baby of the family and I knew he couldn't stand against his siblings.
"Who is Cindy?"
"My older sister. Joshua met her two weeks ago at a family wedding. My siblings loved him." Aaron's face darkened.
"You met his family already?" I nodded. I knew what he was thinking. I had avoided meeting his family for over a year despite his many invitations. I had been afraid that they would see my hidden feelings for Aaron.
Whenever I had introduced Aaron to anyone in my circle they had been able to cloak my feelings for him right away. I had been afraid that if they saw my feelings they would break our friendship.
What if they were homophobic? My biggest fear then, was what would happen if they told Aaron that I was in love with him. My fears had been unfounded. I had liked them as much as they liked me.
My own family teased me about my feelings for Aaron. They thought it was just a man crush and I didn't dare correct them. I was deeply in love with Aaron.
Gabe answered him before I could explain to Aaron.
"I begged him to come with me as my date. Eversince I came out, my family has been asking to see my boyfriend and since I wasn't seeing anyone I asked Josh to help.
My parents are afraid to see me die alone. But they liked Josh so much now they are nagging me all the time." Aaron just looked at me and didn't say anything to me.
I was disappointed that Aaron chose to leave early. I got that today was supposed to be just the two of us. Gabe knew that I liked this Olde English style bar so it wasn't a stretch he would come here.
I had brought him here many times. Aaron had introduced me to English beer and I had loved it.
I hated being torn between these two guys. One I was still in love with and one I could build a relationship if I could get over the first one.
I didn't even know if it ever came to choose between the two, who I would choose? The past or the future. Each had their merits.
But right now as I watched Aaron walk out, he was the top contender. Why couldn't he just love me and my life wouldn't be so complicated?
