Who I Am With You

8)Respects

That video has nothing to do with the chapter. But it's my favorite thing ever. I want ten of them.

I got up early on Sunday, hoping to be up before Cas. He loved to sleep in and took every chance he could to do so. But, given my luck, he was awake and making breakfast. "'Morning, angel." he smiled as he flipped a pancake. Neither him not Dean were very good cooks but practice makes... better?

"'Morning, daddy. I was just going out..."

"Where to? it's early." he glanced at the cat shaped clock on the wall.

"Just to see a friend. I'll be home soon." he was about to ask more questions but his phone went off. Thank you, Aunt Nikka! and I walked out before he could stop me.

I walked down to the only cemetery in town. I had only know three people to die in my life. As they were all buried here. My grandmother Mary was also buried here but I never knew her, she left far before my time.

I walked the familiar path to my first stop. I kneel in front of the stone displaying his name but refused to read it, like always. "Hey..." I started. "I haven't come to visit you in a while. That's not an apology, because I don't have to visit. I'm just stating the fact... to be honest, I'm not even sure why I visit you. Maybe it's because I feel guilty for everything. But what happened to you wasn't my fault. That's what my therapist keeps telling me, anyway.

"While I'm here I'll update you like I usually do. I started school again. And now I'm talking to your cousin. Well, not talking, just talking like friends. He's cool now, but the rest of your family hates me. There's this new girl, Dixie, and she likes me. But I don't know if I want anything to happen... I'm still scared after everything that happened with you."

I sat there with him for a few more quiet minutes before I started crying. What he did to me was inexcusable but I never wanted him to die. He shouldn't be dead. I said my goodbyes to him then made my way to my second stop.

I pulled out my phone and started playing "Spirit In The Sky." I sat next to the stone for Mika and smiled, "hey, Mika. Sorry for not visiting in a while. I'll come more often. I've just had a lot to with school. I'm in school now, for real school. Being social is still hard but I'm getting there. I actually went to a party on Friday. But if you were here you would probably punch me for how it ended. I was an idiot. And thank God Benny is such a gentleman or it could've ended a lot worse." I relayed the events of Friday night to her then said my goodbyes before heading towards my final stop.

Mary and John Winchester. I didn't talk to them like I did with the other two. I just laid one of Cas' white roses on each stone and sat in between them. I never met Mary and John died of a stroke when I was only seven so I didn't know him very well. But I still missed them and thought about them often. I thought about if they would be proud of how I turned out. I wondered if Mary would even like me. I wondered what they would think of what happened to me...

After about ten minutes of sitting and thinking about them, I kissed both stones and made my way out of the cemetery. I had one more stop be fore I went home.

***

I brought the cold phone to my ear, trying not to think about the amount of germs on it. Eavan did the same. "Kennedy, long time no see."

I smiled brightly, "hey, Eav. Yeah, sorry about that. A lot going on with school."

"You're in real school now? that's really good. Senior year is supposed to be a big deal." she pursed her lips and I knew what she meant, too bad she had to finish hers in jail. "How's my family?"

"Matt is a little piston. Thinks he's all cool... starts high school next year. Gah, he's gotten so big. handsome, too."

"Yeah," she chuckled. "He came and saw me a few weeks ago. Can't believe how big he is. He takes after dad... so tall."

"Adrian talks so much now." we talked about her family and my family and Jo And Charlie for a while.

I told her I should get going before Cas started wondering where I was. "I'm sorry for your loss..." she quoted.

"Don't be. I killed him. He used to hit me so one day I pushed him into the wood chipper. Told the cops he fell." I replied with a smile.

"Well, good for you." and then she was being escorted out.

Cas and Dean didn't feel it was good for my psychological health to visit Eavan alone. Not because they thought she was dangerous, just because they knew how much I cared for her. And because of my screwed up guilt. But sometimes I just needed to talk to my cousin on my own.

I took these trips to the cemetery and the Women's Detention Center as often as I could get away with. And I always left with a mix of pain and solace.