fade to gray (frank ocean)

forrest gump.

lonny.

       i'd actually forgotten to get any sleep at all, or to even rest. all i could think about was getting to anise, and righting every wrong i'd done to her. (funny, them same wrongs helped me write me songs.) the thoughts of her (and some blue raspberry crush sodas) had me wired, like she'd touched me, the way she used to, and shocked me to the core. 

i missed that feeling.

almost as much as i missed her.

       tunes kept me awake once the soda's effects wore off on my system, and coke kept my spirit company once the missing her finally set in. over the months, i'd tried drugs to bury her, but how can you bury the living who are in some way strong enough to come back? she was back in my system, and boy, she was back with a venegance.

       i missed the little things she'd do, like how she'd bite at her lip until it bled whenever she was nervous. or how she'd reach for me in her sleep, and whenever she was having a nightmare, she'd call out for me, then go back to sleep when i assured her that i was right there. i miss her annoying me, too. i miss her nitpicking at me to pick some shit up that i was gonna do eventually, just not at that moment. 

       i wasn't paying enough attention to the road, because i almost ended up switching into the left lane and hitting someone heading the opposite direction as me. "fuck!" i cursed, swerving back into my lane. i nervously looked around for the cops, but this wasn't the time they'd be out, looking for people speeding. right now, back home in vegas, it'd be about 8 a.m., and all of the sober tourists would be flooding into the attractions. the hungover ones, or the nocturnal ones like myself, would still be at home, dwelling in the sheets. or messing them up.

       it's still a wonder how a country boy, who'd grown up on louisiana food, could transition to fast food every night and still function. i guess i was an exception; i didn't miss home at all. not a piece of it. after awhile, i had no friends to miss, since they all deserted me after some point. maybe they'd gotten done with faking that they were okay with something they saw as taboo, and they got tired of hearing their relatives talk about me and not find the words to defend me, their friend, becuse they weren't sure if they sided with or against their relatives. i sure as hell ain't miss andrea, and how she'd made my life a living hell. it was because of her that i'd never be able to return back home to that godforsaken small town without fingers pointing at me, whispers tossed in my direction, that if my grandmother were still alive, she wouldn't let me in her home.

       andrea hadn't taken my hints that i wasn't interested in her seriously. still. it had been a whole year of her assuming i was shy, and i had no clue what to do with a woman as to why i wanted nothing to do with her. she'd assumed that i was intimidated of her because she was a 'fine nubian queen'  and i was 'a king without a crown', whatever that meant. to this day, i don't know how she found out, but she lit into me like fireworks on the fourth of july. "so that's why you ain't want me, huh?"

i ain't look at her. "keep your damn voice down, aight? damn."

"why should i? did christopha' columbus be quiet when he found america? i betchu' he was up in that bitch hype than a bitch!"

my smartass tendencies got to me before i could put them in check. "actually, he didn't-"

"i know your 'taking it in the backdoor, put it in my ass' ass ain't talking!" 

       i grabbed her up, making her dangle from the floor. that fear glimmered in her eyes, same way anise's had when i almost went hulk on her. "andrea, i told you to shut the fuck up!" she stared at me, then ran out. 

       i didn't know it, but i'd created a monster by being vicious with her. word of mouth is terrifyingly powerful, and she wasted no time, outing the secret of my first love to whoever lended her their ear for a little more than thirty seconds. when people looked at me afterwards, they didn't have to tell me that they knew; i saw that 'it all makes sense now' looks in their eyes. after some time, i learned not to meet anyone's gaze, and not to speak at all unless i really had to. and instead of coming for andrea's head like some people would have done, i laid back and waited on karma to fuck her up.

       right now, she's living the high life out in new york, with some rapper boyfriend who buys her whatever she wanted, and i'm here, driving cross-country to get to the only love of mine that matters. funny how karma worked out in her favor and fell terribly short for me, when all i did was fall in love. 

     but blah-zay-blah. shut the fuck up with that 'woe-is-me' shit, lonny, i think as i see the 'welcome to colorado' sign pass me by. (or do i pass it by? i can't think right now.) life gave you a bad hand - crackhead/methhead/heroinhead mama who was still a baby when she had a baby, 'confused' heart that was too big for a small town, a love that came with a problem you couldn't handle because you couldn't handle it. it was my fault. wrong timing for everything; i shouldn't have been that rough with andrea that early, i shouldn't have turned my back on mama, and i sure as hell shouldn't have let anise go so early, when she fucking needed me. i wonder about her, about andrea, about how different life would go so often, and regretting walking out on anise gets so exhausting after awhile.

xxxxxxx

anise.

       feeling woozy (not the bad kind, but the good kind), i drifted in and out of Paradise. i wasn't used to the amount of drugs i had in my system, since it had been awhile since i'd mixed more than one at a time. i wasn't even done, just giving myself a break before i moved onto the heavier shit.

       "so what if it kills me?" i asked dreamily, almost sounding like i was sleepy. "so what if i get fired? evicted? blah blah blah. i don't care." and i didn't. seeing lonny with that stripper-looking bitch just... broke me. she was everything i wasn't. tatted. darker skinned. terribly curvy, even though i could tell she had to pay to get that way. what did it matter? lonny was with her now.

i didn't matter anymore.

       i heard some banging on my door around 3 a.m., but just ignored it. nobody had a reason to try and reach me today, and since i stuffed towels under my doors, it couldn't have been the landlord, telling me not to be smoking or whatever it was that i was doing. 

       what i was going through was numbing a breakdown. i couldn't prevent it. well, yes, i could've. i could've fought andres harder and tried to break out of his little trap house. sure, that would've been an automatic suicide move, because i would've been shot immediately, but i wouldn't have minded that, either. a quick death was better than the slow, gradual death i was giving myself.

       i knew that even if i died and went to wherever god decided to put me, i'd still be watching out for lonny. i loved him; always would. even though i was almost a grown woman when i met him, he was still my first love, and everybody knows that's just someone you don't get to forget, no matter how bad you want to. still, the thought of him with someone who wasn't me just destroyed whatever hope i'd had left, that same hope that made me keep myself barely alive in case he were to come back and-

save you? come back and save you, that's what you're thinking? you sound pathetic as fuck. you don't need him to do nothing. you've gotten by without him (barely), but you still made it.

       i groaned. i was tired of arguing with myself. i'm not worth saving no more. i'm a lost case, so even if he were to come back, why would he save me? he'd just be back so that he could work on my funeral.