Life Still Goes On

Chapter 4: Working and Hurting

May - Early June 1992

The Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert was one that would stay with me my whole life. I couldn't forget a minute of it if I tried. As April ended, I continued to visit Dr. Jenkins on Tuesdays. She gave me advice and a pamphlet entitled "Your Baby's Growth in the Womb." It felt amazing yet strange to know that I was going to be a mother.

One Saturday in May, I was sitting on the sofa with a bowl of vanilla ice cream. while Nathan browsed a newspaper. The weather outside was bleak and foggy. I heard a knock on the door. It was Brian.

"I wanted to talk to you, Ella. Not because I have any news, I just want to talk." He looked a bit tense.

"Of course," I said. "Do you mind that Nathan's here?"

"I want to talk to you alone," he whispered. "Let's go to the kitchen."

"Okay."

While sitting at the table, Brian quietly looked around the room then back at his hands, which were relaxing on the table.

"I just feel depressed. Every day. I don't know what to do about anything. It's awful. I can't take it anymore." 

"I'm sorry, Bri."

"My life- it's just a blur, El. It's hard for me." His hazel eyes darted around, then stared at my face. I noticed a tear in one of them.

"Don't cry. I know how it is," I stated. "It's because of Freddie, is it not?" He nodded.

"Yes. It's been half a year since his passing, yet I still cry almost every day. Other times, I just sit in silence. Life is so difficult, I feel like I can't move on."

I felt a sudden pain in my head- (I couldn't tell if it was from my pregnancy or emotional sadness). "Brian- what will happen to Queen?"

"It's too soon to say. We can't just get a new singer to replace Freddie. It isn't as simple as that. And we can't put out another album without him. Yet at the same time- Queen can't just break up. We've been through so much. We can't just quit." He wiped away a tear.

"Bri-" I asked, an idea popping in my mind, "Aren't there any songs that Queen recorded that were finished, but not released? Or... unfinished songs?"

"Yes..."

"What if you released those onto an album? What if you, John, and Roger completed the unfinished work?"

His mouth drew into a half-smile. "Maybe. Last year, we were working on a song called 'Mother Love.' By that point, Freddie's voice and health was weakening, but he did the best he could to sing through most of it. He decided to put it aside because he needed a break from recording. He never finished 'Mother Love.' He died before he could."

"Nobody ever told me that. It's so sad how he couldn't finish," I cried. "Maybe- if you could complete it?"

He shook his head. "I don't know."

That day was one of the first times I'd ever spoken to Brian alone since 1987. I loved talking to him, but seeing him in such a state of sorrow was hard for me to handle.

Meanwhile, it became more apparent that I was pregnant. I started to gain weight and found myself having to eat more. I also started to become more drowsy in the morning, so I'd have to drink lots of coffee. Sometimes the exhaustion I felt hampered my ability to keep up to par with work. Nonetheless, I continued to rise at 7:30 every morning so I could arrive at the clinic by 8:45.

I continued to see a lot of the patients I'd worked with in the previous year, and they seemed to be doing pretty well due to the safety regulations and health advice I gave them. Most had not fully contracted AIDS yet, but had been proven HIV positive, usually due to the disease hemophilia.

For over a year, I'd been seeing a young teenage boy, Alex, who had HIV and hemophilia. He seemed to trust me, to give me his full respect. And he was always happy about life: not once did I hear him whine about his condition or being unable to play sports like the other children. I kept track of his vital statistics and other details in his life, including records of his past sicknesses. His health had improved.

Life seemed to go well during these months, if one could ignore the hurt I felt. When we weren't busy, Nathan and I often invited Roger, John, or Brian, along with the wives, over for dinner. Most of the time, we talked about my pregnancy. Having a loving husband and caring friends made it easier to get through the long days as a disease specialist and the pains of pregnancy, but I knew it'd be worth it in the end.