Life Still Goes On

Chapter 6: Hope Dwindles

August 1992

My life seemed to go downhill from there. The nausea I felt really took its toll, and I seemed to vomit almost every day, especially in the morning. I had to explain to my boss that I needed to cut the time spent working from 8 to 6 hours. Thankfully, he accepted my request. It was still hard to handle every day. I was turning into a mess, from my weak physical state to my large stomach.

Even though I didn't know whether the baby would survive, I still tried to prepare for it. Nathan took me to a furniture store, where we bought a crib, a playpen, a bassinet, and a diaper-changing table. It seemed excessive, but we wanted to be prepared. By this point, everyone I knew was aware of my pregnancy, but not that it was a girl. I was saving that for my baby shower.

Some nights, I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as Nathan. I felt insecure and shy, so I spent many nights alone, sleeping on the sofa, trying to shut out the pain. The days seemed so long, and I was just barely getting by. It felt like I was losing energy by the day.

Nathan was really worried about me. One day, he asked me what was wrong. "You're not acting like yourself. Is there something I should know?"

"Darling, as you may know, I struggled with depression as a teenager. I think that it's coming back to me. The depression. I've lost the will to live... I can't handle life."

"Don't say that! Please don't."

"Well, not really... but... um, I'm sick of this." I sighed. "I'm so upset with my life. Everything is going the wrong way. And to make matters worse, my baby has a health defect."

He touched my shoulder gently. "Keep holding on to hope. Don't be sad."

One Saturday in mid-August, Elizabeth May and Stephanie Deacon drove me out to a bakery, Sugar and Spice, for a "quick meeting." It was a beautiful summer day, and my friends were wearing sundresses- Elizabeth in crisp white and Steph in pale blue. I felt oddly out of place in my baggy jeans and grey t-shirt. We were sitting down at the bakery that afternoon, laughing and talking about our husbands.

"How is Nathan?" asked Elizabeth, pushing her long brown hair to the side.

"He's a pretty busy fellow. Then again- I'm a busy woman," I responded.

"So this is the fifth month for you, Ella?"

"Yeah. Just four months of pain until my daughter is born." Oops.

"Oh, so it's a girl?" Stephanie asked.

I giggled. "Yes, I guess the secret's out."

"It's alright, El," Elizabeth replied. "We won't tell anyone."

"You can tell John and Brian, I don't mind. They're my close friends." I took a bite out of a cinnamon roll.

"But you're closest to Roger," Stephanie teased. "Your darling Roggie..."

We all started laughing, and I turned bright pink. "I'm a married woman, Steph!" I responded jovially.

Afterwards, Elizabeth and Stephanie gave plenty of advice and once again offered their congratulations.

John Deacon's birthday was August 19th, but I didn't see him. He had no party or gathering to celebrate, as far as I was concerned. I did get to speak to him on the phone. It was the first time hearing his voice since Roger's party at the French restaurant.

"Deaky, it's been a while. A few weeks," I said. "How are you?"

"Well, Ella, I'm pretty good. Are you?"

"I'm as good as a 5-and-a-half-months-pregnant woman can be," I joked. "Okay, to be honest I'm in a lot of pain. But never mind that. And happy birthday by the way."

He giggled, the same laugh I loved to hear. "Thanks. It's strange to be 41."

"It can't be that awful, Deaky. You may have 13 years on me, but you're not quite old yet."

"Ha, I guess. You're so young." His pleasant lisp made me smile.

"Are you doing anything to celebrate?"

"Stephanie and I are going out to dinner. No party. You know me, I'm not as social as Roger. Or Freddie..." A heavy sigh escaped his mouth.

I frowned. "Oh, I'm so upset that he's gone. But somehow he's not gone. It's confusing."

"Yeah. Freddie's death has really changed everything. My interest in music is dying. I don't know why, but I don't play my bass as often as I used to. There isn't much of a purpose."

I longed to reach out and comfort him, but I was hurting on the inside. "Well, I hope you and your wife enjoy your dinner."

"It was nice to talk." He hung up, and I buried my head in my hands.

August drew to a close, and Nathan and I still didn't have an idea what we would name our daughter. Then the idea finally hit me one day as we were driving home from work.

"Regina," I murmered. "Regina Lily Miller."

"What?"

I looked over at Nathan as he drove. "The name for our daughter. Regina is Latin for Queen- isn't it a beautiful name? And Lily? Lily of the Valley? Such a perfect name."

"Ah, I get it- Queen... the band. And the song "Lily of the Valley." A name full of meaning. I love it!" he exclaimed.

"I'm so glad you agree!"

That was the day we chose the name of our unborn child. There were 4 months left until the day she was expected to be born, and we couldn't wait.

I wondered if I could wait. The agony was almost too much to bear. Sharp pains filled my lower abdomen and my body became lethargic. I found myself crying daily. Every day was a challenge, a battle I seemed to be fighting with every ounce of my being, and I needed to persevere, to keep fighting. Things could only get better, I hoped.