Life Still Goes On

Chapter 8: Love of My Life

October - Early November 1992

I'd had it. I called my boss and told him I wouldn't be working anymore, at least until my baby was born. I could not handle the pressure. I stayed at home every day, leaving Nathan to go on the errands that I had normally done. I felt so depressed and strained that I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't find the will to work or even meet up with my friends at the Crown Cafe.

One afternoon, as I sat on the sofa listening to my Queen CD, A Night at the Opera, I felt something strange. What could it be, I thought? I touched my stomach, then felt it again. Regina was finally kicking. I ran to the phone to call Nathan at work.

"Nate, the baby is kicking for the first time!" I exclaimed. "I just wanted to tell you... it's amazing!"

"That's wonderful. It's an important step in childhood development."

"I want her to live."

"Me too Ella, I hope she survives."

As we ended the conversation, I heard a string of familiar notes from the stereo and then a few words:

"Love of my life, you've hurt me. You've broken my heart and now you leave me. Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me, because you don't know what it means to me..."

My hands massaging my stomach as the fetus continued kicking and Freddie Mercury's high, smooth voice filling the room, I smiled.

"Can you hear the music, Regina Lily? Can you hear Freddie singing?" I knew I wouldn't get a legitimate response from a preborn child, but I had a feeling she could hear me. "It's going to be alright, just wait." The music continued.

Then I joined in with the singing- "When I am older, I will be there at your side to remind you how I still love you, I still love yoooouuu..."

Days went by and I informed Dr. Jenkins that the baby had started kicking. She took another ultrasound screening of the fetus, which was much bigger than before but whose esophagus and stomach were still separated. I was happy to learn that apart from that, my daughter seemed healthy, but I was still worried that she would die in early infancy. Every day I talked to Regina, telling her to be strong and to survive.

My parents, who were very excited at the prospect of being grandparents, came to visit me as I was housebound. They enjoyed it especially when Nathan was there as well. I was glad that they didn't mind that he was American and approved of our marriage. They'd always been wonderfully caring people who wanted nothing but the best for me, so naturally they were unhappy when I told them how difficult my pregnancy was. They weren't angry or disappointed, just sad.

"I'd like at least two grandchildren," commented my mum.

I chuckled. "One child at a time, Mum! I'm not going to hurry this process."

As the only child of Jonathan and Alice Burke, I could understand why my parents wanted me to have kids, but I didn't want to have to go through this much longer. By no means did that mean I wasn't ever going to have a second child. It just meant that I wanted the baby to be born soon.

The only occasions on which I ever left the house were to go to church on Sundays and to Dr. Jenkins' office every other Tuesday. My body was so sore, and I started to get fevers by the middle of the month that would recur every couple of days. Nathan was very kind in bringing me painkillers and reading material, usually booklets with titles like Early Childhood Diseases and Welcoming Your Newborn. I appreciated his help, his devotion, and his willingness to be a father.

Apart from my husband, it was good to have other loyal friends, and the remaining Queen members and their wives were no exception. They visited me every week when possible, sometimes individually and sometimes all together. There was only one problem. John Deacon hardly ever came to visit my house. I wasn't sure why, but Stephanie said he was "just being shy." I wished that I could talk to him more. He'd always been quiet, but was he avoiding me?

"I miss Deaky. He was always so fun to be around," I lamented one evening.

"He isn't himself lately. He seems... sullen. Moody. Melancholy," Roger replied. "But you can always count on me." His arms wrapped around my chest from behind, and we all started laughing. Oh Roggie, always so charming.

The weather outside seemed to worsen, and I felt safe inside my house. My body still ached as much as ever. I think I spent more time asleep than I did awake, and when I was awake I was usually confined to the sofa. However, I could always count on friends and family to get me through, while I waited and prayed for Regina.