My Lantern

CHAPTER XIII

Ani,

Things might have been confusing to you and frustrating at some point, my condition changed drastically that it's hard for you to inhale all of them and with that I think I owe you an explanation. But please, don't get mad at me, after reading this. I had no plans on telling you any of this, not that I don't want you to get involve with my life but it's because I don't want you to worry about me.

    I had known this sickness since we were in our first year in college, it started as a simple cough, then there's blood, that's when I started to get a check-up, without telling my parents of course. I was told by a doctor that it was pneumonia and they gave me medicine, but you know how much I hate them so I didn't bother taking one, only when I felt like I really had to take one. Then, I didn't mind about my "simple" cough at all till it just disappeared.

   After two months, it was basketball practice when I found another symptoms, I felt my chest constricts and I can't breathe, I was rushed to the clinic for first aid, they said they had to revive me, when I woke up, the doctor told me that it was a heart attack, I laugh at his findings because I'm too young to get a heart attack, but still it scares me. I continued playing basketball even though I felt like something has changed in my body, then it happened again, it was when coach called me off, I asked him to be silent about my condition. That's when I went to the doctor, remember the time when I wasn't able to attend Nicholas Sparks' book signing, I was in the hospital at that time. The doctor said, I had a Mesothelioma, I had no idea what that is, all I know is that it was an infection to the lungs. The medicine was righteously expensive, I told my parents about it and they reprimand me for not telling them earlier, at that time I was thinking about telling you but then you're busy with your internship, and I thought my condition might bother your concentration, besides, it's just a Mesothelioma.

   My medication continues as well as my check-up, then the doctors found a gap, I was about to tell my parents, it was last year, but I overheard them talking about our company being on the verge of bankruptcy and that my medication took a great toll on our expenses. So I didn't bother. Every night as I lay in bed or every time we were bantering and making the time of our lives, I am dying to tell you about my condition but as I was ready to tell you, you were depressed when you got fired from the internship because you talked back to your boss. So I kept them for myself and it was the time when I looked for a job, my parents won't let me but I did anyway, I didn't told them that I knew about the company's condition. I tried to provide for my medicines, because I'm scared to die, i had to tolerate the medicines, I keep myself near from people's sight just in case I'll have a heart attack again. When I have no more on my pocket, that's when I went to Sheila, remembered our trip to London? I told her everything, and you saw us talking and she was crying and her excuse was she missed me, when the truth was she's gonna lose me.

   Then my weight started to deteriorate, I don't even have an appetite to gain back my weight. I would experience heart attack more often. And my parents are very worried, I can see them in their eyes. I still can't imagine how I was able to keep my secret away from you. And as my condition started to get worst, I stayed in the house more often. To keep away from you, I don't want you to see me like this.

   Every time my parents look at me I see pain in their eyes, I cannot bare to see that in yours too. I just can't bare to see the pain in your eyes because I know seeing the ones I love in pain is more difficult than having a sickness.

  Ani, I know I'm gonna die and I have prepared myself for it. I have many plans of telling you this but I just can't and I don't know why. That day at the Lair? I was going to tell you but, I don't wanna ruin the moment, I just want you to remember happiness when you look at the lanterns not the pain from my confession that I have a cancer.

   I froze. Totally lost in the world as I sobbed horribly that breathing seemed least important than crying. Why? Why Jai, why my Jai?

   Yes, Ani, I have a cancer. And I only have few months to live, and when you came to the house, I was upset, upset at my parents because they told you about me. I was upset because I saw what I dreaded, it's like facing my fear and I was caught off guard because the way you approached me has changed and the reason why I wanted you to go out, to get away from me, to leave my room and never come back, the reason why I acted like I don't know you, the reason why I acted like you're a stranger because I want you to get angry at me and stay away, I want you away from me as far as possible.

   I was angry about everything, angry about my mom providing a private doctor, apparatuses and medication, angry about you being around, I was even angry at Him, why would he give me something like this, I would ask Him if this is some sort of punishment, because if it is then I can't accept it because all my life all I ever did was to love and be good. But then, I decided to just sit and wait and prepare for my death.

   So I just lay here, closed my eyes and waited for death. But then you budged in again, with confidence in your eyes, I was caught off guard again. But then I was happy seeing you and my heart almost leapt out when you did that lantern thing. And at the same time, worries surged through me. What if you'll ruin my preparation to leave? What if you'll give me hope and forgot that I am going to die? What if you will give me happiness that leaving would be painful for me? And you just did, you made me happy and you gave me hope, and for the moment we're together, damn, I forgot that I was dying and it scares the hell out of me, Ani, I want you away from me, away where I can't feel happiness and the usual thing healthy people do because I'm not going to last any longer, I want to be alone so that I would die peaceful. 

  I cannot do this anymore, I am scared, I am scared to die and I'm angry. Please, for one last time Ani, just please, let me go.

* * *

I slammed the door and covered my face with the pillow, and I shout at the top of my lungs, sobbing in the process that I cough, I sat up and continued crying.

I don't know what to feel, am I going to get angry with him because he's pushing me away again when all I want to do is to help, be sorry for him because he's scared or be sad because he have a cancer.

I lay back and let my tears drop on the mattress. My heart beats loudly, I don't know what will happen to me if I wouldn't stop crying.

So he kept this as a secret? Because he doesn't want to feel happy on his last days? That's bullshit. I got up and wiped my face. I sniffed.

"I won't let you go, Jai Niranjan Kapoor!"