Wind-up toy (NOT MINE)

Chapter 14

Well, I must have come to that crazy age
where everything is hot,
'cause I don't know if the things I'm thinking
are normal thoughts or not.

I felt as if my heart was being squeezed, I couldn't breathe. The last thing I wanted was to make Frankie suffer, but what if he was just confused? What if he was only very thankful that I had taken him in, that I had cared? What if his poor head was mistaking admiration or gratefulness for love? What if...he wasn't?

He kept looking at me through a veil of tears. Since I didn't answer right away, he withdrew his hands and diverted his eyes like a scolded child. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't be so cruel to him; specially when answering 'no' would mean lying and not the other way round.
"Frankie, I do love you...."
"Y-you do? C-can we be b-boyfriends, then?" he didn't let me finish, eyes shining. I was about to extinguish that light again. What he wanted couldn't be. Not yet, if ever. I first needed to know how his mind worked under control, see if he would still feel the same way towards me after being medicated.
"No Frankie, we can't be boyfriends."
"B-but why? I...I l-love you and you l-love me and the g-gnomes like you and also th-the little p-people and P-puppy! Th-they say we sh-should be boyfriends! See? N-now they're an-angry!" he simplified, seemingly nervous. He got off my lap and lied down on the floor, conversing with his friends in a very low voice and gesturing exaggeratedly.

"Frankie..." I called him. I didn't want to leave things like that.
"Y-you'll say yes? Oh! One...one of th-the gnomes kicked you g-good, d-did he?" he applauded.
"No...I can't say yes. Frankie...it's too soon! We've only known each other for less than a week. I know that we've been together all the time so it feels like a lot more, but it's still too soon, do you understand?"
"N-nope. Y-you said you l-love me!" he insisted. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I couldn't force myself to lie. Even though I may not be in love with Frank -yet, I did feel that I already loved this sweet kid.

"I do love you, but we're just knowing each other. Right now I only want to take care of you, you need to get better first." I tried to run my hand through his hair, but he shunned me.
"I...I'm f-fine!" he crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly. The nervous tic that made him jerk his head was showing more frequently.
"You know you still need to see a doctor so you can start taking your medication again."
"I D-DON'T WANT TO!" he screamed. I'd thought he did want his meds. Hopefully he was just momentarily mad at me or else it'd mean more trouble awaiting.
"Frankie..."
"N-NO! Y-YOU'RE MEAN! Y-YOU DON'T LIKE M-ME 'CAUSE...'CAUSE I'M S-SPECIAL, RIGHT? Yeah...an-another kid told me w-we were th-there 'cause n-nobody liked us." he cut me off again. I felt like the worst piece of shit even if I had no way meant that. My inability to explain things better and simpler had taken him to misunderstand me. It was my fault.
"That's not true. People who...are special, sometimes live in institutions to be taken care of when their families can't. They're safer there."
"D-don't care, you don't l-like me." he sniffed.
"I do like you, stop that! I like you even more because you're special, actually! 'Normal' is boring, you know?" noticing that he'd stopped crying and I had his attention, I decided to go for the truth, praying that he'd understand some of it. "But...some people would not like us being boyfriends."
"Wh-why?"
"It's hard to explain...they'd say it's not ok because I'm not like you. Someone could want to take you away from me, I don't want that..."

Frankie froze when I said that. He crawled to me and hugged my legs. "N-NO! P-PLEASE PLEASE P-PLEASE I WANNA S-STAY HERE PLEASE!"
"Shh...calm down, come here." I made him sit next to me, my arm around his shoulders. "You'll stay here, I want you to stay here with me. But you need to help me, you have to remember some things."
"K-kay." he whispered.
"You must not tell me 'I love you' or kiss me on the mouth in front of other people, not even in front of Donna or Ray. Ok?" I instructed him. Honestly, I didn't think it possible for him to remember that and comply. I could still hope, though.
"Y-yeah." he answered shortly. I was expecting him to ask whether he could do it when we were alone; I was glad that he didn't. As much as I couldn't deny that his words had gotten to the bottom of my heart and I wanted him to kiss me again, to officially give him permission would confuse him more and make things harder for me.
"Good."
"And...c-can I hug you and k-kiss you on the ch-cheek?" he questioned with such a serious face that it made me smile.
"Yes, that's fine."
"Ev-even in front of p-people?"
"Yes, nothing wrong with that."