Being Trans

why i thought i was nonbinary

this apparently happens to a bunch of trans dudes (i.e. miles mckenna, noahfinnce, kalvin garrah)
like why is this a thing ??

idk if i should put a disclaimer for dysphoria
if you need it this is it weewoo 🚨🚨 (it's not that bad i promise)

when i was in the 4th or 5th grade, my class was given our first ever health lesson and we talked about male and female puberties and compared them
i wanted everything from the male puberty and nothing to do with the female puberty and i was like "that's not gonna happen to me no shot"
(spoiler alert: it fucking did 😱😱😱)
i remember sitting in my bedroom in silence at 10 or 11 yrs old thinking, "AM I A BOY??" over and over again and being like, "nah you trippin"

fast forward to the 7th grade, after "binding" for a year before i even knew what binding was and being in serious states of distress every month, i decided to google what i was feeling, which was "why do i feel like a boy if i'm a girl?"

the term FTM transgender popped up that described exactly what i was feeling

there was a website that defined those words, along with gender dysphoria and the general procedures ftm people go through to correctly align their body with their brain

there was HRT, top surgery, and bottom surgery

the second i found out about synthetic testosterone and double incision, i wanted them instantly and i couldn't wait to be 18 to get it on my own

what i was hesitant about was bottom surgery

my bottom dysphoria wasn't, and still isn't, that extreme most of the time compared to my other female features that i'm dysphoric about

this website also made it seem like you needed to want all 3 to be considered a full ftm man (lmao i wasn't a fucking man i was 12)

this made me believe, as dumb as it sounds, that i wasn't 100% a trans dude. since i didn't want bottom surgery @ the time, i thought i didn't qualify to be considered a trans dude

so i googled, "what if i didn't feel like a boy or a girl?" and that's when nonbinary showed up

i decided to go by they/them pronouns, which didn't feel right but i was just glad they weren't she/her

i pretended not to care for 3 whole fucking years
i even came out to my cousin as nonbinary (which i still need to fix whoops)

i couldn't take it anymore and came to terms that i'm a trans dude, whether i wanted bottom surgery or not
i'm gonna go on T and get top surgery some day tho there's no doubt about that

-lonnie