Apocalypse

17

Liz

When Kate came back I knew something was very wrong with her.

Jason and I had been just sitting down and talking. It wasn't something I was particularly enjoying, not after having Kate reach out and touch me in the way she had. Not after I'd felt both weightless and grounded at the same time. My thoughts kept wandering back to how serious she'd looked. She looked serious about everything all the time, really. But it was focused. Like for once maybe she'd stopped thinking about everything else all the time and was just serious about one thing. 

I told myself that it was probably just my imagination, because that's most likely what it is. What are the odds that the person I have feelings for feels the same way, anyway? Especially me, of all people. Not that there's many options now that the world is ending, but you know. It's a nice thought. One that I have to stop having, but nice none-the-less. 

I convinced myself to drop it before I started to questioning everything and remembering all the bad that's ever happened to me again. The bullies, the friend-less years, the outbreak, my parents and everything in between. Last time that happened, Kate had to spend the rest of the night slowly trying to talk me down. I still felt bad about that, I know that she has only a very loose concept of how to interact with other human beings. Never mind one that's having some kind of mental break down and can't stop crying. I considered her not feeling the same way a bad thing, to say the least. 

I don't know how she did it, but she did. Kate had finally got me into a stare where she could touch me without more hysterics. Then, well, she'd hugged me. It was awkward, be she'd done it. I sat there on the ground with her holding my fragmented pieces together until I could do it myself. I'm very thankful to have run into her when I did. Kate's making this apocalyptic mess somewhat doable.
Jason was going through what few things that he had found when he left to scavenge. I don't really know exactly what he had brought back. I was too bust thinking about how life was before we had to sleep with one eye open, or have to fight the walking dead just to get a can of food that would feed maybe two of us for a day if we pushed it. I missed books, and music, and seeing the news caster on the television at six in the morning as I got ready for school. I'd give anything to have my boring daily routine back. Just to get called a freak by that smelly boy again would be nice because at least he didn't try to eat me. He would never hold me at gun point because he was all talk and no action. He'd never try to kill me in general. Well. At least, I'd hoped not. It's hard to tell with some people.

I missed all the little things that I'd taken for granted before. The smell of tea brewing in the kitchen as mum baked cookies. The sound of my dad turning through his Sunday paper and laughing at the funnies at the back. I missed the sound of a car engine starting up down the street and knowing that it was probably just someone running errands. I even missed the annoying clicking that my ceiling fan made. I missed anything that was humanity.
As much as I missed everything though, I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable with that life if I could go back to it. It would mean I wouldn't have Kate, or Aztec. Jason either, but he's just someone I know. I wanted to say that he's just as special as my horse and her. But he's not. He won't ever be.
I've been trying so hard to get over the fact that he just doesn't seem right. He's funny, strong, we talk a lot about the world before the infected. But something about him just isn't right. Plus, he'a always trying to sit closer to me than I want him to. And Kate very clearly doesn't like him. I can tell that she tried hard to get along with him, but I know that it's all an act. I spent time with him though. As soon as I started, I noticed Kate beginning to pull away from me. Not in the 'oh I'm going to ignore you because I'm not your main focus' kind of way that children do, but the way that told me she just didn't want to bother me. She didn't cast resentful looks my way, but I have caught her looking wistful. To be honest, I miss her. She's right there with us, but she's been off to the side more now instead of just with me. It went a little farther than missing, too. It hurt.
I was used to her sitting down next to me when she ate or having her only a few feet away while we slept. We used to ride together every day and we haven't since Jason joined us.