This is my truth

Overcoming

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in the school bathroom. Staring down into the sink praying that no one would come in. Someone who migh think that I was a weirdo for hiding in the bathroom! I liked to wait there when school let out & not leave with everyone else. I liked feeling alone & forgotten. It was comfortable to me. I felt so much like no one liked me that it was my reality that no one liked me. Somehow I found so much comfort in that though and wished to feel isolated constantly. When I was alone no one was saying anything mean to me. Or treating me like I had the plague. It truly wasn't that severe and I know it but it felt that way to me! Once you're called so many bad names they can bounce around in your head echoing on for decades making you feel like you're nothing and no one. The truth is that words really hurt me when I was young. I was left with emotional wounds that have festered & bled on and off my whole life. I was bullied. My mother was mentally ill and my stepdad was mean. They were the only other people living in my home so I was always alone with them. They fought SO much! My mom would snap & fly off the handle at the smallest things! When I was in the path of her wrath she took no mercy on my heart. I stayed outside as much as possible when I was little. I roamed my neighborhood and always found ways to entertain myself! Climbing on the playground behind my school, riding my bike, rollerskating, swimming, climbing trees, jumping fences, breaking glass or tormenting the group of Italian guys throwing dice on the corner of my street. They all called me "Blue Jay" and looked out for me like they were my parents! From the time I was 4 I thought that ramming my head into someone's stomach was an appropriate greeting since I'm an Aries! Luckily that didn't last long and no one kicked my ass for it! I was a moody little shit with a bad attitude sometimes because I felt so lost inside of myself and overlooked in the world. People looked out for me but not a single one of them ever asked me if I was ok. If they had I probably would have dropped and crumbled to pieces! As I lay here in bed tonight and write about it I still haven't figured out yet how I made it! My Daddy loved me. That's how! And my Mom loved me too. And I knew it. That's why their abuse hurt so bad 💔 sometimes they were so nice to me. But others they said such mean things! My mom kicked me, made my nose bleed, pulled my hair, bit me, cut off my hair & compared me to every other girl in our lives & made sure I knew that they were cuter. Or smarter. Or skinnier. My Dad told me I was stupid, lazy & ugly. I believed them. I had no reason not to. I am the only human being who knows their story. They're both dead now. I don't believe that either one of them ever wanted to hurt me! They were both just unhappy being together! But they loved me and each other. I was the center of their universe and they wanted to be good parents to me ♥️ but they didn't get along well and when they were angry they were mean to me. I had my cat and my teddy bear.
And honestly, they were enough for me.
I made it here. This far, to this day!
Through many, many, many heart breaking things.
I don't believe that I would be ok today had my childhood not made me so strong & capable of overcoming hard things. I am grateful. I forgive my parents and am so grateful for everything that they did for me. I wish that I could have them with me again ♥️ I would gladly go through it all again to have them back. Figuring out who I am without them living in my daily life has been hard. I know exactly who I am now though.
I am my parents daughter. The one that they raised me to be. I am exactly who I was always meant to be. And I am extraordinary. I am Kristina Dolores Lonn.