This is my truth

Matter of fact

I speak of my past lightly. 

Even when I mention how my mom kicked me.

And my father....

He tells me this story of how he came to see me in the nursery after I was born.

He tells me that I grabbed onto his pinky with my tiny fist and held onto it with all of my might.

The nurse shooed him out and he pulled his hand away from me. 

He didn't come back.

Everyone called me a bastard and even my grandma (moms adoptive mom) didn't want me. 

I grew warts on my hands by the time I started school and no one wanted to share crayons with me or play with me at recess. I was always alone in my bedroom when I was at home. Told to be quiet unless my mom needed me to come of to do something for her.

If she thought I was lying or being attitudy she would put dish soap in my mouth.

Sometimes slap me. 

She slapped me so much that I would flinch when I walked by her and then she would slap me for flinching & tell me that I was trying to make her feel like she was abusing me. 

I was afraid of her and always on guard! 

She liked to make me feel bad about myself.

She lived to make me feel guilty.

I read recently in a letter that she wrote to my grandma while she was pregnant with me that she didn't want a daughter. She wanted a son. Maybe that's why she hated me.

Or maybe it was because my stepdad loved me so much and she was jealous.

She cut off my hair and hit my bare thighs with a metal spatula. 

Hit my body with her fists and bit me.

The only time that she was nice to me was when other people were around. 

She compared me to everyone. Including every girl in every tv show that she watched on tv and the girl up the street. 

She always made sure that I knew I fell short in her eyes.

I wasn't skinny enough.

Wasn't pretty enough. 

Wasn't smart enough.

Quiet enough.

I was not good enough.

For her.

I used to write about it for my own healing journey.

I'm writing about it now for anyone who hasn't been treated right and is hurting, struggling to heal and needs to know that they are not alone. 

I had no one to turn to.

Got through life by trial and error.

Focused on caring for everyone but myself.

Felt like I was a damage magnet and it was my life's purpose to accept being treated like dirt.

Believed that I was worthless.

Stupid.

Fat.

Ugly and unlovable.

All that mattered was that my mother was happy.

She had a hard time facing the things she did to me right up until the day she died!

But...

All she wanted was to be a good mom. 

Her metal illness got in the way.

She was sick.

She nearly destroyed me.

Ultimately, there is no excuse.

She should have....

Never mind.

I don't know what she should have done.

I just love her. 

And I forgive her.

I am good enough.

I was always good enough.

I was better than good enough!

I was incredible.

I AM incredible!

And if I could have a magic wand, I would use it to go back in time and reverse our roles and I would have been her mom.

I would make sure that she knew she was good enough.

I tried to tell her when she was alive but she didn't believe me.

She was too busy hating herself for the things that she did to me.

Even though she couldn't say it out loud.

And that made me feel happy to be me and not her.

I love her.

I loved her at every moment, even when I hated her.

She is the one who made me so strong that I could survive my father walking away from me and leaving me to fend for myself against her.

I don't need pity and I don't want to be comforted.

I am already comfortable and have pitied myself enough.

I am wise beyond the years of 3 full lifetimes.

I am full of humble pride and know my worth.

I am not a victim.

Or a survivor.

I am a thriver! 

I don't just exist.

I thrive in spite of my challenges.

And I love myself and my life with all my heart 

<3