Deviating from the Norm (A "Freaks and Geeks" Fanfic)

Chapter 15 - When it rains... (Part 1)

Okay. Alright. This is perfectly normal, right?

I was lying next to Christina in her bed. She was asleep and I... I was just laying there like a lump as endless thoughts ran through my head. We had had sex and, while I certainly didn't complain during our performance, I was left feeling fairly unsatisfied after the fact and I couldn't figure out why. Christina was a great girl; she was smart, funny and just as crazy about me as I was about her.

Wait... am I crazy about her? I like her, but aside from the first time we flirted, has she ever set my heart racing? Do I really like her as a girlfriend or just as a friend?

I sighed heavily and must have disturbed her slightly, as she turned onto her side and shifted her body back into mine. Turning onto my side as well, I slid my arm around her midsection and lightly kissed her shoulder, trying to force myself to go to sleep. Once again, my mind began to wander into the questioning territory.

Am I disgusted or regretful for having sex with her? ... No. I still like being with her, I still want to touch her and kiss her ... or... do I? Is this why some guys find it so hard to stay faithful and not sleep around? Did I rush into a relationship just to repress my feelings for Kim? I was pretty random with whoever I chose to chase after. Am I going to hurt a person who actually cares about me now because I was in such a scramble to be with someone? I think... I might be a horrible human being. Goddamnit!

The more I questioned it, the more wound and uncertain I became of everything. The only thing I was really sure of was that there was no way I was going to fall asleep there, in her bed, next to her. As delicately as I could, I moved myself out of the bed and gathered up my clothes, roaming into the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed again, dropping my head. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I said aloud and almost laughed at the fact that it probably looked like I was scolding my crotch. After a speedy dress session (where I almost fell into the bathtub while trying to put my pants on), I once again ventured into the bedroom. I couldn't very well pull a 'dine and dash' type situation on her (it wasn't like she had no idea who I was or how to contact me), so I woke her up and told her (half of) the truth- I was heading home because I was having a hard time sleeping at her house. She nodded and mumbled, 'okay' sleepily before kissing me and asking that I come back tomorrow. I nervously agreed, but I hoped she was too tired to notice the hesitation in my voice.

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I would be the first to admit that one of my less-than-stellar personality quirks was my incessant need not only for acceptance but also to not disappoint people. I could affix both needs to my father, who seemed to be detached from every emotion known to man when I was growing up. Except discontent. He knew how to display that one really well. No matter what I did, he either did not care or he simply was not impressed and then, when I gave up on it due to my want of approval from him, he would become 'disappointed' in me and the cycle would just start over. After a few years, I gave up trying to appease him, but the traits had carried over into every other relationship in my life and I didn't know how to not seek those things. The predicament with my girlfriend was one where the 'don't disappoint' aspect was flying into high gear. I didn't want Christina to think I was just using her for sex and I didn't have any true feelings for her, but at the same time I had to ask myself exactly what my feels for her were.

While I drove home, a back and forth argument about what I was supposed to do began in my head. Much like people sometimes have imaginary battles with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, I conceived a similar situation where my confidence and my paranoia would deliberate over a particularly conflicting issue in my head.