Our Summer || SOOBIN TXT

Letting Go

______________________
Theme Song: Heize - Can You See My Heart
_______________________

I run my fingers over the polished oak of the piano. The music room is quiet. It is after school and everyone has already left. It is just me alone in this huge room with my thoughts. I sit down behind the piano and do not bother to open the lid. I don't feel like playing it today. My mind is elsewhere.

If you truly care about TXT's reputation and success, I'm sure you know what you should do.

Mr Kim, TXT's manager's words reverberates in my head, it has been bothering me for the entire day. I cannot think straight, I cannot help but blame myself for everything that has happened lately.

I know that Soobin does not mind it all, but somehow I know Mr Kim figured it out. He knows who I am, and what I am in Soobin's life. He sees me as a liability, an obstacle in the way of Soobin's fame.

I release a heavy sigh. What have I gotten myself into? This is exactly why I did not want to be in the spotlight, because it puts a restraint on you. No time for relationships, hardly any time for socializing and definitely not being there for family when they need you. It takes away your freedom in a sense, and I guess I completely forgot about that. I was blinded.

I always imagined my first boyfriend to be someone I merely meet in high school or university. Someone who takes the same classes as I do and who lives in an average neighborhood. Little did I know my expectations were far off from what fate decided. My mind tells me to let him go, to forget about everything and let him be happy. But then my heart protests, it wants him to stay, to always be by my side, to never leave me.

I look at my cellphone. I close my eyes clutching it tightly. It's for the best, it was never going to work out anyway. I cannot drag you down with me Soobin. Opening my contact list, I dial his number and hope that he picks up. After a heartbeat of a moment he answers the phone. I exhale a breath, trying as best as I can to remain calm.

"Hello, Mia?" His voice says.

"Soobin." His name rolls off my tongue. "Hi, uh are you busy?"

"I have a few minutes of free time. Why? Is there something wrong?"

"No, no. Nothing like that." I try sounding cheerful, like I am okay. "I just. . . wanted to know if we could meet up?"

"Um, I'm a bit busy later but I'll be free tonight." He says.

"Tonight sounds good." I say. "Meet me at the place where we had our first date."

He chuckles.

"What?" I curiously ask.

"This is the first time you're making plans for us to meet." I know he is smiling and that fact makes my heart ache. "It's cute."

"So I'll see you there then?" I hold the tears back.

"Yes." I hate that he sounds so happy. I hate that I will be the one to ruin that happiness he feels right now. "I have to go, bye Mia."

"Bye." I say as the call ends.

Bye. I let a tear escape.

___

As I climb the last step to the top of the wooden platform, I mentally prepare myself for what is about to occur. When I look up I spot someone already here, I already know that it is him and my throat clogs. His back is faced towards me, he leans on the wooden railing of the platform. A brown cardigan loosely sways around him, he always manages to look good in whatever he wears. I smile to myself, you really are amazing Soobin.

He turns around as if sensing my presence in the quiet of the night. His eyes are dark, a chocolate brown I enjoy staring into. I release a low breath, and force my legs to walk forward.

"Aren't you getting cold?" He says looking at my thin cotton sweater.

I shake my head. "I literally ran a marathon." I joke. "I don't think I'll ever get used to these stairs."

He chuckles, revealing his dimples. "Don't worry, next time I'll carry you on my back if you're feeling too lazy."

Next time. I honestly want to run away from the truth I am about to face. How can this be so hard? How can ending things right here be so difficult for me to do? I just want to hug him so badly and breathe his scent in. I don't want to leave him.

"Mia?" Soobin touches my arm. "What's wrong?"

"Hmm?" I blink rapidly, forcing the tears away. "Look, Soobin I. . . need to tell you something."

He nods. "Of course."

"Uh," I look away, not strong enough to face him. "I. . . I think we should break up."

He is quiet and all but the soft whistle of wind echoes in the silence.

Once the words leave my lips I instantly regret it. I want to take it back, it is a fight I am battling with myself.

"You're joking right?" He gives a strangled laugh.

I bite down on my bottom lip and taste copper. "No, I'm serious. I—" I exhale. "I don't want to be with you anymore. I've thought about it and. . . I just don't think it's going to work out. It never was."

He grips me by my shoulders. "Mia, look at me." But I cannot because if I do, I know I will crumble. "Is it because of that photo? Or because you don't want us to be a secret anymore?"

I shake my head.

"We don't have to be, I don't want you to be a secret Mia. I want the whole world to know that you're my girlfriend, I'm not afraid of what I have to face because of that."

"It's not just that." No, don't say it. "I'm sick and tired of this, if it even is a relationship. I barely see you, you said you would always be there for me but you're not." I hate you Mia, I hate you for doing this to him.

"I-I'm sorry." His voice is wobbly.

No, no, please don't.

I forcefully remove his hands from me and fold my arms across my chest.

"Why are you doing this?" He asks and I can hear the hurt in his voice.

"Because. . ." The final blow. "Maybe I never really liked you in the first place. To be honest, I just tagged along with this relationship because it was interesting at the time and I guess. . . I've grown bored." My heart breaks.

It is quiet for a few seconds until he speaks.

"Fine." His voice is cold. "If that's what you want. Goodbye Mia." He walks away and I finally look up.

I turn around and almost run after him but stop myself. Don't leave me, my heart screams as it breaks. A part of me wishes that he would turn around, that he would come back and everything will still be okay. But the damage is done and he does not come back, he walks onward down the stairs until he is out of sight.

It is quiet again and only then do I crumble completely. The tears comes in streams and I let them fall to the deep aching in my chest. I cry, a wave of sadness filling my throat. Never have I felt such heartbreak and emptiness. The feeling is agony, because I now know that I lost him, someone truly special in my life, the true cause of my euphoria. I will never forget you, Choi Soobin, my first boyfriend, my first love.