『like im dreaming』- SoraMafu OneShots

Rain Drops [A&F]

*Mafumafu POV
[Warning: Self-Hate, Depressive thoughts, Panic Attack, Self-Harm]

I held my breath, if I didn't I know I would crack. My fingers felt numb, them clutching my phone. I reread the hate email. Things like,
"You're friends think you're annoying, huh?"
"You don't even work for anything, it's all handed to you. ※ is better."
"You're too screechy, weird, and cringy. I don't understand how you got even one person to follow you. Or any friends." Blurred my vision from those cursed words.

I know— I know! It isn't true. My fingers twitched. My mind was hazy, blurred out to any common sense. No. No. It's all too much. They have to be lying? Right? No.. no! That's weird!
"Weird! Weird!"
I muttered, reaching my left hand up to my hair and pulling on it for relief.
I am. I am an attention seeker, huh.. it's what they say. I drag my socked foot on the other, scratching my skin.
People have it so much worse.. I'm so selfish-
That's what he said too..
"Stop. Stop. I'm sorry."

I felt tears pricking in my eyes. I pulled on my hair harder. Dropping my phone, a loud thump as it hit the ground. My right hand that once held my hand went to my face, slowly scratching down my cheek.
"Stop! Stop!"
I mutter loudly. I throw my back to the wall of the sound booth. My whole body ached now, my mind a blur, my thoughts a swirl of self doubt and self hating, I screamed.

"I AM! I AM!"
I can't— cant! My eyes flashed back and fourth. I need more relief. More pain. I slammed the hand pulling at my hair onto my desk. NOT ENOUGH. NOT ENOUGH.
I pulled up my left sleeve and scratched back and fourth, hard on my pale skin with my right arm. I slammed my back against the wall again and again.
I started to sob,
"STUPID! STUPID! I'M SO STUPID!"
It's all true! All true!
I need more. More! This isn't enough!

I quickly ran to the door opening it. I ignored potato and Iroha's loud, concerned meowing and ran to the bathroom. I slammed the door on their faces (not hitting them of course.) I open the cabinet, digging, and digging for something. It must be deep in there, I haven't need to use it in awhile. I though I was getting better. I felt my mind grow more frustrated and blurring more from the realization I haven't changed at all.

I grown more impatience and start throwing bottles of pills, bathroom necessities, and more to the wall behind me. I NEED IT. I felt my finger prick on a sharp object deep in the cabinet. I felt blood oozing out my finger tip. I quickly grab the razor and quickly bring it to my skin.
I make the first cut, I already feel better. I cut a bit close to my wrist, again, again, avoiding the same spots. Once my arms were lined with cuts I move to the other arm. As I cut my mind became clearer, I could finally think. But that only made me drop the razor and start to cry. I sniffed every few seconds. I felt blood and tears drip down me.

"I'm so awful.."
I sobbed, turning on the facet and washing my cuts. I haven't done this since.. that... part of my life. I felt like I was getting better, sure... I sometimes slipped through and scratched my skin in a few panic attacks. But never enough to bleed. Neither are good of course. I rinse my other arm. I kept crying. I'm such a crybaby. I don't want to be alone right now...

I sigh, turning of the sink and rub my eyes. The looks around the messy bathroom for some bandages. Panic attacks always like these just slowly grew.. until I burst. Sometimes they're different things. Self harm, or just locking myself into my sound proof room used for recording and scream. This one.. was worse then the ones I've had recently. I wrap the bandages around my arms. I looked at the huge mess. I'm so exhausted,
"I'll clean it later."
I mutter as I step out, closing the door behind me.

Iroha and Potato run up to me, rubbing their heads on my leg in worry, meowing. I laugh, my voice horse from crying and screaming. I bend down and pet them both on the head. I step into the sound proof room, and pick up my phone. A few new mentions on twitter but nothing too bad. I wanted so desperately to reach out to someone. To cling to someone, have them hug me and tell me none of it was true. But I knew they had lives.. and I wasn't apart of it for the most part.