I Loved You

I SURVIVED YOU

To the Man that Scarred Me
I thought this would be the hardest thing I've ever written Finding the right words has been scary and taken all my strength This is not something I'm proud of I should be, just another gift you left me with SHAME You, our relationship, is something I'm thankful that I survived. There are so many that don't make it out! The fact is I'm tainted with horrible memories I'm carrying with me for the rest of my life. Do you know that I blamed and punished myself? What am asking you fur because of course you do You pounded that into my body and mind one beating at a time If it wasn't physical, the games you liked to play with my mind were so cruel. I forgot I had a mind of my own and could no longer make decisions of my own. I'm not sure when I stopped having friends or talking to my family. There were so many things you didn't like, any small thing could set you off! People started to notice and the lies got harder to tell You always knew just the right places to hit or kick so the bruises would be covered. I picked you and walked away from almost everyone! Do you remember the night I said I was going to go out with my sister for a little while? I can remember getting ready. I didn't put on a lot of makeup. I had jeans and a shirt I got for Christmas, something I knew you'd approve of. I don't know what happened or why you lost it I ended up on the floor with you on top of me punching me in the head It was to much I tried to push you of me That crack my bone made as my arm broke Is that what brought you back? You were so sorry and it was never going to happen again Why'd I buy into that lie again The nurses and the doctors saw all my bruises old and fresh combined with the break knew I was careful and told the same story They even had a cop talk to me, he got the same story Wasn't watching and fell down the stairs You loved me so much and everything was going to be different That's why my sister ended up taking care of me I loved you so much I never saw anything wrong in this or you Never was going to leave you Funny that you getting arrested SAVED me The people I pushed away the hardest were the ones to open my eyes and made me listen to everything that I had been ignoring It was then I had the power to take control of my life again Pressing charges, the restraining order, understand I did that for me Looking you in the eyes in court was a nightmare. Knowing you were going to jail made me feel safe Hearing you plead guilty was victory Dating has been hard because of you I'm fearful of another man's anger or disappointment I've tried my hardest to get back out there and date It's a hard and scary thing to do I just gave up it's just to much It's not fair that others have to deal with the painful scars and pieces you left behind Everyone is paying for abuse Do you know what a trigger is for a battered woman? I'm sure you do but I could care less People have to be careful with quick movements as to touching me, yelling at me, or fighting in front; there is too much to list It took a long time for me that admit what I'd gone through and that it had changed me Quick question Did it change you Did any of it make you want to be a better person We both know you've called and called wanting to talk You say you're sorry but that's a lie I'm not sure what you need to hear from me but I can't give it to you You're not looking to hear me tell you what you've done and how much it's cost me You want to talk like nothing ever happened All you do is rip the wounds open Maybe this letter finds it's way to you or maybe even better to the next girl I just hope she sees and realizes who you are before it's too late! I'd like to think you have or could change, but that's just not realistic! Knowing you it's just a matter of time before you end up back in jail or worse overdose. I'd like to say that I wish you the best, but that would be a lie!  Me telling you I forgive you is never going to happen You don't DESERVE my forgiveness I hope what you've done to me haunts you Know this: I SURVIVED YOU BUT WILL YOU SURVIVE ME
Yours Truly
The one that ran away