I Loved You

I NEED YOU TO KNOW

I want you to know a little about me before you learn about the men I've loved! Let's start with the basics. Pretty normal two parent home and a big sister. Well at least for awhile, things didn't stay that way. Mom was a middle school teacher and my Dad was a lawyer. Key word being was. My dad was convicted of tax evasion. A lot changed during his trail. We downgraded on a lot of things, that didn't matter much to me. After the trail and awhile he was in a country club prison, everything changed for me. The first day of school after he started his sentence was really hard, I sat down at the lunch table and everyone got up and moved. Some of my friends told me they weren't allowed to talk or hang out with me anymore. I didn't go back to school for almost two weeks. My mom was so strong, busy being to parents, making sure the bills were paid and food on the table. She did anything and everything in her power possible so she wouldn't have to say no. We visited my Dad as much as we could, it wasn't bad. What was bad, your Mom opening a letter not meant for her, even worse it was meant for someone close to our family! The strong woman she was gave my Dad a choice and he said it was us. So we packed up and moved to a small town. My sister wasn't excited, being in high school she was leaving a lot. I just wanted to be somewhere new, nobody knew our past. At first starting over was great but my dad never truly made that choice! Things went from a new beginning back to the same stuff just a different place. I'm love my parents so I'm being kind by saying we couldn't stay together and everyone be happy. My Dad moved to the city and eventually my stepmom moved in with him. My Mom, sister, and I stayed in the small town. One of my Aunts and her family lived there too! That helped with making friends and Mom having family around, even if it was my Dad's. His brothers and sisters are my mom's too! Family is very important to us and always will be. We are big. My mom had to work two jobs. My dad was around for the holidays, birthdays, or something he thought was important. My sister had a lot more important things he showed up for. I know I did things that were important just not to him. For the longest time I was so angry with my father that I wasn't always kind. For a period of time it was hard to let myself love him. He hadn't done anything to deserve it either, so I would take advantage of that. The things a parent will do to make you happy is crazy sometimes. Things got better with time! There was always lots of love to go around at home. That was never the question, but it was about different levels of love. There were times when I questioned why I wasn't good enough or what I was doing wrong. I never once doubted my Mom's love for me, in ways she was my best friend at times. In some fucked up way my Dad loved me too, it just felt different, he wasn't there anymore. He was really starting over and it wasn't with us. I hope knowing a little about my childhood helps you see why I love the way I do. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and even give you that shirt if you needed it. My greatest fear is ending up alone with no one to share my life with! Some of the things that have happened at the hands of the men I've loved and other people I'm scared that I'll let people in and they'll leave or just disappoint me! Still I can't stand to watch someone go without something if I have it to share or give. I'm always going to go out of my way to help people. I love with everything I've got and I'll work for whatever I don't have. I let people walk all over me and use me, I didn't realize that till much later! I know I have loved and lost, the worse pain you could imagine, that's how I know it was real love. One Love I thought I'd have till the day I died. The other pulled the rug from under my feet and left no answers behind, just a lot of people blaming me. People have said it gets easier with time, I'm still waiting for it to get easier! March first comes and go every year and people still blame me and I still don't have answers. Shit out luck there. Loved and had it be one huge joke on me, maybe not joke but it wasn't as serious to them as it was to me. I chose him more times then I can count, disappointing so many people along the way. The one time I ask him to choose me, what we could build, he couldn't! Had my love beaten out of me. I honestly believed it was me and I deserved it. Blinded by wanting to help someone fix their life, that I destroyed my own m. Loved and told been I'm not good enough and I don't deserve to be loved. I am ashamed to admit I have loved but only been half in for most of the time, there was someone else I loved all the way. I loved and treated it as it was a game, in the end I did the right thing, somehow there were two broken hearts. The surprise there was one of the hearts was mine! I have people I love in my life now, not looking for anyone new. This heart's been broken one too many times. I'm just starting to love myself again and it's been one hell of a journey back. As you read these letters, the words that are meant for someone else, know it's one of the ways I'm healing. If you're reading and get to a letter and think or know it's yours, I loved you and I don't regret it! I thank you all for teaching me what love should and shouldn't be. Sorry to say it but there is that one guy in my letters that is a shouldn't be. All of these men contributed to the woman I am today! I can't say it enough thank you all for your love and memories!