How I Heal

#10

The car ride home was awfully silent.

I was too afraid to say anything, the fear that I would say EVERYTHING gnawing at my insides.

It's hard to explain but Harry fills up all my available chest space.

It's like when I'm with him, I'm not even me anymore.

"Are we gonna sit in silence the entire car ride?" I heard him say.

His tone seemed comical, like he was only kidding, but I didn't think it was the right time for a joke.

"I don't know, are we?" I spoke up, my voice quiet but my heart on the floor. "It's not like I'm the one who made the silence awkward anyway."

Harry looked at me, and I could feel the intensity of his gaze even though my eyes were on the road.

"I keep hurting you don't I," he said, his voice distant. "It's like a never ending cycle. I keep thinking I have this emotion thing figured out but I never do. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

"Maybe you should actually speak about what's on your mind for once," I blurted out, trying not to lose my mind. "We've been with each other consistently for months, I see you more than I see my own parents. What's so wrong about loving me Harry?!"

His eyebrows furrowed. "What? I-"

"No, shut up," I stopped him before he could say anything else that would hurt my feelings. "I have been trying to keep myself as calm as humanely possible. I never once made a fuss about anything. I visited you everyday in the hospital, I gave you every second of my time, even if I never had any, so tell me? Does it make me such a monster that I'm angry? Hell yeah I'm pissed. I decided to drop days of school for this without telling anyone, and you mean to tell me you can't just tell me how you really feel?"

"You say that like it's so simple," he argued back. "You're such a hypocrite because I know you have a lot on your mind too but that never comes to light so what!? We're all just as bad as each other."

"No Harry you always do this. You lead me on and you give me this false sense of security for a while then you leave me hanging. Every. Single. Time."

"Stop the car," he suddenly said.

"What no I can't stop here-"

"Stop the car Violet!"

The yelling was getting too overwhelming so I pulled off to the side of the road.

"Get out," I heard him say.

What?

By time I was conscious about what was going on, Harry had already gotten out of his side, slammed the door and pulled the door to my side.

"What are you-"

I felt Harry's grip pull me out of my seat (not too aggressively but just enough that I would budge) and he pushed my back into the car, slamming the door in the process.

"You wanna know how I feel about you," he snapped. "Fine."

Less than a second later, he started to rant.

"Not a day goes by and I don't think about you," he began. "Your very existence. Every little strand of your hair. It's engraved in my mind. I can't get you out of my head no matter how hard I try okay?"

He paused.

"I think about you in every single way worth thinking about." He eyed me,

up and down

slowly

like he was taking me in for the first time.

"Every single way."

"You want to know why I don't talk about this?" He went off. "Because I feel uncertain about everything. I always fear a day will come when you look at somebody the exact same way you look at me and I won't be here to do anything about it.

Of course I fucking love you Violet. I love you with literally every breath I've ever had the minute I laid eyes on you. I can't express to you how much you mean to me in words, the reason I've been pushing you away since day one is because I knew if I ever got my hands on you, Id treat you like a drug."

He shook his head. "Impossible to let go, no intention of putting you down and a taste that you, only you, could satisfy."

He took a deep breath. "I have a lot of bad habits but you are one thing I don't regret getting hooked on."

"I don't want to tell you that I can't live without you anymore but who am I kidding?" He laughed humorlessly. "You've seen me and isolation. We don't exactly make a perfect pair. You and me now....."

He trailed off, his voice was getting softer now.

Like he was finally letting go of the last bit of anger that was left within himself.

"We are the perfect pair. The only reason we fight is because I can't lay my entire heart bare because I'm scared I won't get anything in return, but hell, it doesn't even matter if I do anymore. Nothing matters.

What matters is that I tell you exactly what keeps this heart beating."

He took my shivering hand and placed it on his chest.

His heart was racing so fast.

"It's you Violet.

It's always been you."