blood and brains and angel cake

not again

you were a blinding light. you were too beautiful for me to swallow whole. i breathed you in pieces. i looked at your mouth more than my own shoes. i pretended your fingers were wrapped around mine, pretended you stared at me when i wasn't paying attention, pretended my name was stuck in the back of your throat like peanut butter. i fell in love with a possibility, with a what if then what, with a someday maybe. you made my lips hurt. made my knees tender. you texted me "Yes I do love you" and it made my stomach churn. you did not love me. when you love someone you don't chew them up and spit them on the back of your hand. or maybe you do. what do i know about love? what the fuck do i know? i held you on the back of my tongue for three months. three fucking months. i want to make you poetic but there is so much pain pulsing in my chest that the thought of you makes me cough. mostly i just miss you. mostly i think i'm a fucking moron for believing you could ever really want me. mostly i think at least i thought i had you for a little while. at least i got that chance. but mostly i'm thinking, how could i let this happen again. how could i do this to myself. over and over and over.