A Bird in Flight | ✔︎

Chapter nine: Gaining control

Callan

I AM OFFICIALLY THE world's worst person ever to have walked this earth. I will never be able to forgive myself for the wounded, tortured look I caused in her brown eyes.

It was for the best, I try to assure myself as I pace back and forth in the bedroom we hooked up in. She got too close. It was for the best.

"Jesus." My head is pounding and I can feel last nights beer and vodka are about to resurface. Burying my head in my hands, biting my lip hard to stop myself from sobbing, I go to get my phone from my pocket until I remember my dad crushed it to pieces beneath his boot. "Fucking hell!" I yell, not giving a shit if anyone hears me.

Rage dots my vision black as I rise to my feet and throw my fist at the wall, puncturing a hole through the drywall. My knuckles pop and sting but I continue to punch it, hungry to conquer the storm of screaming and voices howling and thrashing around inside the chaos of my mind.

I collapse back onto the bed, exhausted, my stomach churning and my hands bleeding onto the sheets. I feel like a blackhole, destined to hunt down any source of light, then suck up and suffocate, destroy, obliterate any ray of happiness. How many girls have I left heartbroken and crying on their knees on a bedroom floor, I don't know. How many times have I wanted people to be miserable just because I am, I don't know.

My dad is right, I deserve this pain, this isolation. I deserve to have my body ripped apart mentally and physically. I'm a fuckup. I'm a worthless stupid fuckup.

Maddox enters the room and freezes when he sees me. "Woah, you look nearly as bad as her. She just ran out the door five or so minutes ago."

"My dads right," I whisper, my voice braking and catching Maddox completely off guard. The topic of my father is normally completely off limits. "I'm a fucking looser."

"Since when have you ever cared about hurting girls, huh?" he asks, crossing the room is stand beside me.

"I don't know," I groan. "But Ensley is different. She doesn't fling herself at me like all the others. She plays hard to get. She runs and I chase. And last night I caught her. Last night I caught her and I just threw her to the curb."

"Why though?" Maddox presses.

I shrug my shoulders, sitting up to face him. "I-I had a nightmare and I had to push her away so she wouldn't get hurt."

"Hurt from what?" Maddox explodes.

"From me." My voice loses an octave and I feel empty, numb. I'm broken and she's fragile but not completely ruined like me. She needs someone whole. She's got her own problems and I don't need to add to them. I decide to keep that to myself. This conversation is becoming way too deep for my liking anyway.

"Callan —" Maddox begins but is interrupted by his ringing phone. He answers it, a crease forming between his eyebrows. His mouth drops open. "Ensley? Put on speaker? Uh...yeah his here. Um...alright sure."

He lowers the phone and taps the speaker button.

"Where the hell are you, Beckett?" Fire burns in her icy tone, like knives cutting my heart open.

"What are you talking about?" I say, annoyance biting my voice.

"Our assignment. That ring a bell?" she sneers.

"Shit is that today?" I cuss again. "I'm coming. Give me ten." Grabbing my hoodie and keys off the floor I sweep out the room, ignoring Maddox calling after me.

My movements are stiff—like a robot. My brain feels clouded and foggy and I keep on stumbling over my feet and thoughts.

Down the stairs. Passing hungover teenagers and trashed rooms. Through the foyer and outside. Out the gate and towards the car parked on the street. Press the keys and slide into the car.

I exhale sharply, managing to gather my emotions and thoughts as I toss my hoodie over my shoulder, into the backseat.

Control. I need to gain it; get it back. I can't let some stupid girl ruin the reputation and facade I've fought so hard to protect over the years. I'm not playing the victim anywhere outside my household walls.

My knuckles tighten on the steering wheel as I rev the engine of James's blue Getz. I'll show her. I'll show everyone that I'm in control. I'll show them that I can hurt them more than they could ever hurt me. I'll show them that I'm the one holding the cards.

I will break them before they break me.