A Bird in Flight | ✔︎

Chapter fourteen: Love is an illusion

Callan

I HISS AS THE SCALDING scalding water sprays out from the showerhead, slamming against the raw skin of my back. Tears jump to my eyes but I don't twist the nozzle to reduce the pressure. Somehow, the blazing temperature calms me down. Cancelling out all the different pains I'm experiencing. Years. Years I have thrown everything at trying to shield the truth and now my secret is finally out.

Bowing my head, I gaze at the water tinged with red spiralling down into the drain. Tears sting the backs of my eyes but this time I can't fight them and soon my whole body is racked with sobs, my shoulders heaving with emotion as I let loose of everything I've bottled up the past few weeks.

Ensley knocks on the door. "Do you want a towel or do you plan on shaking yourself like a dog to dry off?"

I don't respond—I'm busy drowning in the memory which has haunted my mind since it occurred three years ago.

The light catching the knife. The sadistic hunger hiding behind his furious expression. The feeling of slipping away into the dark edges of my mind.

"Beckett!" Ensley bellows, pounding a fist against the door.

"Fuck off, Steed!" I snarl.

"Please...I just want to help." Her voice cracks.

I laugh hoarsely, increasing the pressure to drown out the sound of her voice. "Help me? Save me? That's impossible; I'm a lost case."

For a good half hour I just stand there in the shower with water pounding against my bruised and battered body before I finally come into terms I'm going to have to speak to Ensley.

I attacked her insecurities, I broke her heart and humiliated her in front of a class full of thirty-odd obnoxious teenagers. I expected her to cower and leave me alone but instead she did the exact opposite and ran right at me, barreling me over.

And now we're back at square one.

I think its time to leap into square two and break free of this circle we keep on looping around. I think I've finally realised that I want more from this girl and to do so I need to talk to her.

Full of anticipation and fear, I turn the water off, step out from the shower, dry myself off and get dressed before heading towards the lounge room.

I step into the lounge room, knowing I look like hell. Ensley is sitting on the couch, wringing her hands out in her lap, her face creased with anxiety.

I take a deep breath, my fingernails biting into my palms. "Ensley, I need to talk to you."

She chews her lip, looking at me dead in the eye. "About your dad?"

I nod and cross the room. Sitting down on the couch beside her, my eyes lifted to the ceiling above. "Yeah. Him."

Ensley slowly shifts closer to me, tense and alert, bracing herself to run.

"Promise me, Ensley, that you won't run," I whisper, clutching her hand desperately. I know its childish but it comforts me. "Promise me."

She hesitates. "Okay..."

I blow out a deep breath and start speaking before I change my mind and back out, "My dad is a dickhead. I think you figured out by yourself."

"How many times?" she asks, her eyes wide and fearful. "How many times has he hit you?"

A sad smile tugs up the corner of my lip. "I have no idea. Too many times to count."

Ensley draws in a deep breath. "Callan, I don't understand. I know that your father is abusive, what more is there to say? Just because he beats you, it doesn't make you any less...you. He doesn't define you. You define yourself."