Hazbin Hotel (and Helluva Boss) x Reader (Under Rewrite)

Blitzø x Reader

Reader's P.O.V

Some people are willing to do anything for money.

And I'll be the first to admit that I'm totally one of those people.

The last thing I had expected to be doing was working as an assassin with a bunch of imps, and yet here I am, and I am absolutely not proud of it. 

Don't get me wrong, the job itself is quite fun. Who doesn't love murder? The problem is the environment.

First of all, all my food seems to mysteriously vanish when I leave it unattended. I could literally throw a dead chicken in the fridge, and you can bet your ass it'll be gone next time I check. Where does it go? Will anyone ever find out? Surely it can't just be Loona stealing my food like the thieving bitch that she is. But it's fine. I guess I'll just starve. I guess I just don't need food, unlike FUCKING LOONA who just CAN'T keep her goddamn paws off my FUCKING SANDWICHES.

And as if that wasn't enough, one time after I murdered this one guy, I got a really big gash on my forearm, and all my boss Blitzø did was offer me a fucking Band-aid. So I stole his favorite jacket and cut out a ribbon and tied it around my arm to stop the bleeding. In retaliation, he "accidentally" dropped my laptop from the top of a building.

And then... there's the coworkers.

I hate every single fucking person that I'm forced to work with here. Millie is annoyingly optimistic, Moxxie is clearly clinically brain dead, and Loona, that fucking bitch, the bitchiest bitch in all of Bitchdom. Last week, she found my secret stash of cocaine that I hid under the fridge, and she stole all of it, and I wasn't getting my paycheck until three weeks later, so I offered to give Blitzø a hand job to get money to buy more cocaine, and he agreed, but still didn't give the fucking money back because he just can't keep his fucking promises, so I stole his credit card and maxed it out and used the money to buy the cocaine, as well as a bottle of lemonade, which I pissed in then offered to Blitzø, and he drank the whole thing and got sick and had to take two days off of work, and he called me to tell me I had to babysit my coworkers, but because I wasn't about to deal with those blockheads, I spiked the coffee in the office's coffee machine with sleep syrup, and they all passed out, except I apparently put too much, and Moxxie went into a coma, and I had to drive him to the hospital myself, but I drove in a hurry and accidentally hit another car, and now my car is broken and Moxxie might be dying, and it's all because Loona couldn't GET HER OWN FUCKING COCAINE LIKE THE FUCKING BITCH SHE IS-

...What I'm trying to get at is that I love my job.

Yeah, I have to deal with... all that, but the friendships I made along the way make it all worth it.

And the murder. The murder helps.

Today was another boring day at the office. Blitzø was well enough to return, Millie was still with Moxxie, who hadn't woken up from his coma yet, and Loona was probably just too lazy to show up. Nobody was phoning in, so I sat at the reception desk, scrolling through my phone while eating a chocolate bar I assume was Blitzø's.

I'm scrolling through Macebook, reading about a new celebrity scandal, when my phone starts buzzing and I receive a call from Stupid Bimbo Whore. I press the call button.

"Millie?"

"(Y.N)?"

"Yeah?", I reply, munching on my chocolate bar. "What's up? What do you sound so excited about?"

"Moxxie's finally woke up! The doctors said going to be okay! He might actually be coming back to work! Isn't that great?"

"Oh, what? He didn't die? That's disappointing." I hang up and rest my face on my hand. Moxxie's coming back. I thought God had finally decided to show me mercy, but I guess I was wrong.

I really need a break.

Blitzø's in the meeting room doing God-knows-what. I decide to check up on him, just to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, of course. I stroll over to to the room to find the door closed. Closed? What's he doing in there? I quickly summon my ice spear into my hand- in case there's any trouble I need to take care of- as I gently push the door open to find Blitzø sitting on the meeting table building a giant mansion out of tiny colorful plastic bricks. 

He hears the door creak open, and his eyes meet mine as I give him an incredulous stare. He stares back at me, dropping the plastic brick he was holding in his hand. After a long, awkward silence, he quickly springs up. "(Y.N)! Lovely seeing you here on this fine morning! How may I be of assistance?"

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"That is completely irrelevant!"

I rub my temple. "Dear God. Honestly, I don't even know why I talk to you." I throw my spear aside, and it vanishes. "I wouldn't even be here right now if it weren't for the fact that I have news. Some good news and some bad news."

He perks up. "Really? What is it? Give me the bad news first. I think I can take it." I hold up my phone. "Millie called to tell me that Moxxie's back from the dead. Apparently the doctors said he'll be fine or something", I sneer. Blitzø's expression slowly turns to one of disappointment as he lets this sink in. 

"That... that retard's... still alive?", he whispers to himself. "I... I thought I finally got rid of him!"

"I didn't tell you the good news yet", I remind him, biting into my chocolate bar.

"Is that my chocolate?", he asks, pointing at it.

"Oh, so it was yours?"

"Yes, it was!"

"Eh, it wasn't even that good", I say, tossing it aside. "I mean, who puts salt in fucking chocolate?"

He crosses his arms indignantly. "Hey now, I'll have you know that sea salt is the best flavor of chocolate. You just don't have any taste."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. I think you're missing the point here. Let me finish. The good news is that I really need something to keep my mind off of such a tragedy. Take your pants off, we're fucking."

His face lights up. "Wait, really?"

I hold my hands up. "Don't get your hopes up too high, alright? Normally, I would have standards, but I'm really pissed right now, and you're the only other person around. So don't expect any more of this in the future, got it?"

He nods, smiling his weird dopey smile. 

"Good." I twirl my white hair between my fingers as I strut closer to him. He unbuttons his coat and steps forward, closing the distance between us. My hands move down to his lower back as I kiss him roughly. He whines and stumbles back a bit. I take a step and-

I suddenly freeze.

Slowly, my vision trails down to the floor. I had just stepped on one of Blitzø's stupid plastic bricks. Shit. At this exact moment, I feel nothing but pain.

"You okay, Babe?", he asks, concerned. I look up at him, biting my lip as tears pour down my face. "I've never felt better." I smile to try and hide my suffering. "Please, carry on."