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1 | introduction

stories told in this book are based on true stories, and with that being said some parts have been exaggerated slightly to make the story more realistic. this story was not created to bash anybody but just to share my story with who will listen. i am a writer and most people love reading my work. i apologize in advance to anybody offended. names have been changed for the privacy of others. much love... C.

"i know what we're both thinking even when you're quiet.. sometimes i just have to make sure that i didn't lose you."

3:42 am
august 25, 2019
canecia

there's a huge afro on my head right about now with curls splurging all across the way. there's two ice cream bowls sitting on the night stand next to me... and i fell asleep with the damn light on.

my mom is going to slap the fuck out of me if that light bill is 300 dollars again.

anyways the first day of junior year is tomorrow and i have a hair appointment this morning. a silk press, nothing special. i mean my hair is 5 different colors right now as a result of my past mental breakdowns and heartbreaks. blame it on them, not fucking me.

i raise out of the bed heading to the restroom just to trip on my little sister's hoverboard.. this bitch.

i sit in my room for three hours on instagram.. then twitter... then snapchat... then facebook. i'm bored, my girlfriend is sleep and there's no food in the house to eat.. so i'll wait. and of course i forgot to introduce myself.. ugh.

i'm canecia. 5'6 with daddy issues.. i end up with people just like my father but nothing like him at all... i'll explain that later. i'm a straight A student but i'm sneaky asf... chill as a bitch. i only care about vibing and peace. i'm brown skin, brown eyes, thunder thighs. i'm not thick or anything but i have a gorgeous shape. i'm a poet. an artist. a painter. a designer. a crybaby. i'm a sagittarius.. we're fucking goats. i'm a lesbian because my love for women runs way deeper than that of just a like. their voices, giggles, their lips. everything feminine. eyes and the way they move. their scent. their hair. whether it be a smooth complexion, or a slim body.. everything tight, a few moles maybe some freckles, a beauty mark... a small giggle from her small voice, a calm sweet voice or a voice with different depths... maybe a simple necklace to compliment her skin.. her acrylics or her naturals depending on her preference... and then don't get me started on pussy. that's a talk for a different time.

damn i got carried away.

it's 6:50 now and my girlfriend, Rae, is woke. i can hear her moving on the other side of the phone.

Rae is like 5'4 with short curly hair. she's brown skin, she has moles all over her body.. i know her whole body. every inch. i just pay that much attention. she wears a small gold chain and small hoops in her ears. we've been together for about 7 months now, but if you knew what all we've been through you'd think it's been 7 years. we both left our past relationships for each other and it's been hell every since .. and for some reason we can't be happy unless we completely shut the rest of the world out.

completely.

some days i can't decide if i love her or just the thought of her giving me her all and not fucking my feelings. she's careless with my heart. she doesn't notice me anymore.. she tried so hard to get me and once she had me i just started to slip from her hands.

*flashback to first day of sophomore year*

I walked towards the cafeteria in a confident matter because this is truly the ONLY place i know. There's Summer, her best friend Aisha and another girl.

She's obviously gay but i can't seem to look her in her face. She has a small, petite body. She's brown skin. Yellow Polaroid shirt with blue ripped jeans.
Throughout the rest of the day she just flirts her life away with me.

There's only one person on my mind... Ky. Not because i'm thinking about her but i'm really feeling this girl. Wait... i haven't even seen her face. How can i like her and i've known her for one day. Maybe it's just a crush... Right? Damn. I keep asking myself questions....

*flashback over*

i get dressed for this appointment because on the inside i'm excited out of my mind.

"you up?"

it's rae, she woke forreal..

"yes i'm up, getting ready for my appointment.."

i reply, as i pack my belongings into my purse. my mom is taking us out to eat this morning, some weird place downtown she's found online.

i wonder what today will bring because everyday it's something. i always feel so unnoticed. so forgotten about. like i'm here. pay attention to me like you pay attention to your favorite show. i'm her girlfriend and she obviously doesn't know my worth, but i'm attached....

so i stay. dealing with her cheating and mistreatment. don't get me wrong, our bond is amazing. but we're only happy 45% of the time.

i want to leave and i have for a while now but the detachment will hurt too much.. it'll kill me.

literally.