like narcotics

two

2 | did i lose you?

6:25 am
monday, august 26, 2019
canecia

there's no way in hell i should feel this rush over my body right now. my anxiety levels are shooting out of the roof right now.. i'm scared.

i'm not sure why but my palms are sweating, my legs are weak and my appetite?

gone.

Rae is sitting on my bed scrolling through her phone as we wait for the bus. i go through outfit after outfit as i second guess on going in the first place. me and Rae fell out with everybody at our high school last year anyways so what's the point. she still has her friends but everybody else hates me.

it's because i'm pretty.. or because i have a shape... or because i'm smart.. maybe because of my poetry or my artwork.. maybe it's because i can't decide if i'm insecure or arrogant.. maybe it's my mood swings or my border line personality disorder... the way i talk or where i'm from.. the white girls don't like me cause i'm black and the black girls don't like me because they think i'm stuck up.. i don't know...

and guess that gag? i'm starting to not give a fuck.

my sisters are running around the room in frustration trying to get ready as my mom barges in the room. almost immediately you can feel the tension between her and Rae.

the only thing keeping them from scratching each other's eyes out is me. every since the day i brought Rae up to my mom she's felt a way. i knew it couldn't be because she was my girlfriend because i had two girlfriends before Rae, Ky and Taj.

Ky is a 5'9 basketball player. Extremely slim, light skin as fuck. hard lover. controlling. she's the one i left for Rae.. my excuse? i wasn't happy. but now i'm unhappy with Rae and wish i at least felt love again.

Taj is my first love. she's 5'3 and lightskin...

i know what it seems like but no i don't not have a type.. everybody i date looks completely different than the other. taller or shorter. lighter or darker. completely different pasts. completely different people.

anyways no matter how many times i send her that i hate her and she's a bum etc we end up talking again. we go through relationship problems together and at a point in time she was my best friend.. she has a part of my heart but every day now i'm growing out of our bond. i'm getting older now and i'm leaving her and what we had in the past. i've accepted the fact that there will never be a us again.. maybe one day, hopefully not.

Ky had to grow on my mom because she was so controlling. i guess after a while my mom got used to her but Taj? oh fuck no.

every since the day my mom found out i was gay...

*flashback to eight grade*

3:30 am

i wake up searching for my phone in a panic.

where.

the.

fuck.

is.

my.

phone.