like narcotics

three

3 | rear ending

10:12 am
tuesday, september 3, 2019
canecia

it's the second week of school and things have been boring. other than me and Rae arguing every single day over petty shìt.. life's not exciting.

because of my childhood i'm somewhat prone to chaos, though. once it happens, it hurts so bad that it feels good.

it feels like self harm. it feels like something i'm used to dealing with. the way love has been displayed to me. tough love?

the bell rings. end of 3rd period.

i shuffle through all the kids to find Rae at our usual meeting spot.. she's not there.

i wait.

i keep waiting.

i wait some more.

where the fuck is my girlfriend?

then i see her tiny curls bouncing through the hallway full of kids.

she walks up, snakes her arms around my waist and then she kisses me.

this love is starting to feel so played out. at this point we're playing pretend. they love seeing us together though. i'm attached to this girl and we've been through so much that i just can't give up now.

maybe one day the love will come back.

the true love.

"baby you're looking like something is wrong with you.."

it fucking is. now that she's asking i can't put my words together. i don't even feel like she'll care anymore.

then my soul starts speaking poetry at me...

i'm being more honest with you
but lying to myself
is
it
time
to
let
go
what if god trying to tell me
am i not listening
or am i having faith
in us
in you
to do right by me
i think it's time to let go
i think the feelings are getting old
i think you'd prefer me being away
rather than if i stay

then i make it into a harmonious song.. kind of a slight tune remembering every line so i can write it in my journal later.

she kisses my lips and it's stale like communion bread. the lil cracker that taste like paper? yea that.

there's no motive behind it. there's no meaning.
it's just a kiss..

"i'm fine.. how's your day so far?"

she looks at me.

"here we go with this shit.. canecia what's wrong?"

how the fuck you pissed off because i'm pissed off? how the fuck are you mad because i'm mad?
cause i'm bothered.

bitch.

"Rae i'm fine damn.."

i'll be glad when she leaves me the complete fuck alone. we've been arguing so much this week it's ridiculous. maybe because we around each other too much. i think it's because we know this isn't right and we keep fucking trying. we keep forcing it. making foreign puzzle pieces fit together. lord knows that's my baby, but is she really mine tho.