The Heart Wants What It Wants - MakoHaru Hospital AU

Chapter 6: Nervous

Makoto Tachibana

From now on everything will only get harder for Haruka. He's gotten into the surgery part of being in the hospital and I recall after falling into that hole it'll get harder and harder.

Haruka knows this, I saw it in his eyes. But just like everyone else, he has no choice. He didn't chose to be here... he didn't want to agree to such a mayor surgery, but like all of us, he had to.

I'm lying on my side, my eyes squeezed closes. It's evening already, and Haruka's been staring at the wall ever since we got back from our walk.

I feel how my CPAP-mask squishes my face as I turn onto my back. I stare at the ceiling while I try to shut out all of the noises in this hospital room.

Haruka must be terrified, he didn't seem to have had a surgery before. I remember my first surgery. I was only six back then and they had to already perform a mayor surgery. It took me up to six months to fully recover from the Tenotomy surgery. And I was terrified in the hours leading up to the surgery.

Lucky for me my parents were there to comfort me. I still remember how my mom's hand was shaking when she stroked my head to keep me from crying. And I recall dad telling me that it'd only hurt a little bit and everything would get better after that.

I had them both at my side at that time, and with every following surgery.

But Haruka... he's all alone. I can't imagine how afraid he's right now.

I turn to him to see him sitting up right against the wall. He has his nasal cannula in instead of his mask, which means he's probably not planning on sleeping.

It's clear, he's just as nervous as I've been for my first few surgeries.

I take off my CPAP-mask and whisper, "You're still awake, Haruka?"

Haruka turns his head to me and nods. "I'm sorry if I woke you up," Haruka says and his voice makes a high-pitched squeak and the end of the sentence. He coughs trice afterwards and leans back against the wall.

"No, you didn't," I say. "I was awake."

Haruka nods again.

"Sorry, but I overheard your conversation with Kumiko," I admit after a while.

Haruka looks at me and nods. "I know." Haruka turns his head away again. "You don't have to apologize, I didn't expect you not to hear it."

I look at my lap and notice how my hands are shaking. I'm not the one who's supposed to be nervous here.

We both go quiet and I feel like Haruka doesn't want to talk to me. So I keep my mouth shut.

"Hey, Makoto," Haruka mumbles after a long silence.

I look up and turn my head to Haruka. He's looking at his lap and I can hear he's breathing heavily.

"Yes?" I reply.

Haruka's mouth opens and a high-pitched cough comes out. "I'm nervous, Makoto." His voice is trembling and when he looks at me I see tears in his eyes. The little glittering balls of water might be standing in his eyes, but Haruka doesn't let them run.

I throw the blanket of myself and sit up right on the side of my bed. It takes a lot of effort when I stand on my feet and try to walk to Haruka's bed.

"W-what are you doing?" Haruka asks, I don't think I've heard him this confused before.

I limp towards him, basically throwing myself from my bed to the side of his. Even though I fall in the process, slamming my ell bow against Haruka's nightstand, it's all worth it in the end. When I look and Haruka and stick out my hand, telling him "It'll be alright."

Haruka blinks twice before grabbing my hand and helping me onto the edge of his bed. I smile at him as soon as I sit down.

"It's going to be fine, Haruka," I say. His hand slightly squishes mine. "Look, I've had surgeries and it's really not as creepy as it seems at first."

Haruka looks at my hand holding his and he takes deep breath. His breath falters. "Can you stay with me... I mean, during the operation?"

I glance away. I don't know what to answer to this, I can't tell for sure that Kumiko would let me go into the OR with Haruka. Normally only family's allowed to go in until the patient is under anesthetic.

I swallow away the lump in my throat and I nod. "I'll stay with you."

I'll make it work somehow.

Haruka nods and thanks me under his breath. He awkwardly leans with his head against my shoulder. "Thank you," he repeats as his suddenly seems get really tired. I get it, it's late already, but I promised to stay with him.

So, I'll sit here. And I'll hold his hand, throughout the night.

Until the rising sun wakes us in the morning again.