I Wish I Were (boyxboy)

2

An hour later, the bus pulled into the school parking lot.

"Do you need a ride to the party?" Georgia asked as I stepped off the bus next to her.

I glanced at Wes, but he was busy on his phone, probably texting Ashley to make sure she would actually be there. Turning back to Georgia, I nodded.

"Okay, well wait out here. I have to change real quick." She smiled and turned before jogging to the locker rooms.

I watched, dazed, as she disappeared through the door. I was still looking when Wes smacked my back.

"Damn, Charlie. Good job."

I could feel his breath on my ear, and I shivered before forcing a smile on my lips and turning towards him.

"What about Ashley? Is she still coming?"

Now Wes smiled and took a step away from me, mischief glowing in his eyes. He ran a hand through his golden hair.

"Yeah, man. It's gonna be greaaaaat." He took a few steps back from me. "I'll see ya there." He winked before he walked towards his car, swinging his keys in one hand and texting with the other. I watched him go, wanting so desperately to go with him instead of Georgia, wanting him to be the one that liked me instead of Georgia.

I waited for her, watching as one by one, cars left the parking lot. Some turned towards town, towards the party, while others went in the opposite direction, probably driven by uninvited boys totally aware of what was going on but unable to get an invitation. I felt bad for them, felt bad for the unpopular boys, the ones who maybe weren't as good at basketball, or the ones that just seemed different than us, different than the varsity boys. Different than me, even though I knew if the boys—if Wes—knew who I really was, I would not be so welcome at the parties. I would be one of them.

"Ready?" Georgia asked.

I turned towards her and nodded. Now that she had my attention, she reached to her hair and took out the bow. With a shake of her head, her blonde hair cascaded down her back and over her shoulders. Her mouth twisted into a half smile as I kept staring. I knew she was flirting with me, but the blatancy of her flirtation only made me sick. I was leading her on and I hated it, the guilt eating away at me.

She grabbed her keys from the pocket of her cheer jacket. "Let's go."

Sasha's house was just outside of town surrounded by sparse woods and totally secluded from any neighbors. It was huge despite being occupied only by Sasha and his dad, who was rarely home anyway. It was the perfect party house according to most of the basketball boys.

When Georgia pulled into the driveway, it was filled with cars and I could already hear the music without even getting out of her car.

"This'll be fun," Georgia said with a laugh.

With a snort, I opened the door and stepped out into the cool night. I looked up at the bright windows. The light streamed out, bleeding onto the grass and illuminating the lawn and the dark brick walls. The shadows of people moved against the windows, their bodies too close to one another. Even just looking at it, made my chest feel funny, my breathing already quickening. I swallowed, thinking about the cool beer on my throat and the relaxation that came with it, the walls in my mind breaking down.

"Charlie?" Georgia's voice was soft from beside me.

I tore my gaze from the walls and looked down at her. She gave me a small smile before reaching for my hand. Even though I wanted to rip it away from her warm grasp, the gesture was almost comforting.

"It'll be fun," she said. "C'mon."

She grabbed my hand tighter and started pulling me towards the door. Before she opened it, she turned to me. "You don't have to hang out with me, Charlie, if that's what you're scared of." A little laugh escaped her mouth.

My eyes widened and I quickly shook my head. Was that really what she thought of me? Was I really doing that bad of a job pretending to like her? Oh, who was I kidding? Of course, I was doing awful at it. "Nah, I just don't like being around that many people." At least not with no alcohol in my system.

She took her hand from mine and squeezed my upper arm instead. "Well I won't be drinking, so when you want to leave, come find me, and I will take you home."

Her sincere eyes should have put me at ease, but they only made me feel worse as the expectation weighed on me. When she took me home, she would have expectations, expectations that I would want to make out with her, especially when I was drunk. But kissing girls never got easier and I doubted Georgia would make it any better. But I still nodded, the sentiment sounding nice in my already fogged mind.

"I'll see you later, Charlie." She opened the door and stepped over the threshold. The music amplified for a second before the door shut again.

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed before opening the door.

Stepping into the house was like stepping into a whole new world that I didn't belong in. The place was packed even though Wes said everybody wasn't going to be there. To my right, was the dance floor, crammed full of boys and girls all dancing on top of one another. It was so full that bodies were spilling from the designated area into the rest of the house, crowding the entire place. Even just looking at them made my chest tighten. My gaze slid to the couch in front of me where one of the basketball players was making out with a girl wearing a bow like Georgia's.

The music thrummed in my ears as I scanned the room, desperate to find either Wes or the beer. The bass thumped fast and hard, shaking me to my core and making my entire body shake. Without knowing where I was going, I started walking away from the door, away from the dance floor.

I didn't make it very far before I bumped into Chris, one of the basketball players.

"Hey, Charlie," he said with a slow smile.

I was about to reply, but when I sucked in a breath, my nose filled with the pungent smell of weed and I coughed. "Hey, Chris."

He reached out and grabbed my shoulder. I stiffened instantly as his hand made its way down my back. "Man, you need something." He started rubbing at my back and I almost shivered. "Charlie, you're so tense." I glared at him and he giggled, dropping his hand. "The good stuff's in the basement." He winked then smacked my back harder than expected before he walked away towards the dancing crowd.

I wanted to heed Chris's advice, but I was pretty sure he meant that weed was the good stuff, and I didn't smoke, so I wandered around a bit more, managing to not run into anyone, but the beer wasn't in the uncrowded area. If I wanted some, I would need to face the crowds. As I realized this, I sighed but circled back around towards the dance floor. Just as I was about to squeeze my way through the people, someone said my name.

I whirled around and found myself face to face with Sasha. A slow smile spread across his face as he took a step closer to me. He reeked of smoke, but I fought the urge to cough. Apparently, he had also been in the basement. "Can I help you, Charlie? You look a little lost." His joking voice was deep and gravely and it sent a shiver down my spine as my eyes raked over his body. I shook my head slightly, trying desperately to clear my mind of the dirty thoughts. This wasn't even Wes. It was Sasha. Sasha, for crying out loud, the boy who shouted gay and faggot louder than anybody else on the basketball team.

When I didn't respond to his question, Sasha raised his eyebrows. "Do you want a beer or..." He giggled. "Something stronger?"

"Just- just a beer?" My voice hitched at the end, turning my statement into an unsure question.

He clapped his hands once. "I can do that. Follow me." He surprised me by turning around, away from the dance floor, but I shook off my uncertainty and followed him anyway. It was his house, after all.