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the morning sun shined through the gap between the curtains that draped themselves across the window, allowing that small ribbon of light to fall across felix's face. my beautiful felix. he always looked so pretty when he slept, so peaceful, as if anything bad that was happening in the world was irrelevant.
that was one of the things i loved most about felix; how he managed to see the good in everyone, and how he always made the best of every situation. he lived everyday like it was his last, and i tried to follow in his footsteps.
he stirred quietly next to me, his eyes fluttering open as he yawned. sitting up, he smiled over at me. "good morning, my love," he said, patting my pillow lightly before he got out of bed. it was now that i noticed hw was wearing one of my favourite t-shirts. it was a bit big on him, but it suited him well. i didn't mind that he slept in it. i didn't mind at all.
like every morning, the first thing he did was make breakfast. he had decided on porridge today. it was our favourite, after all. felix would always put golden syrup on his, whereas i would choose strawberries instead. he wasn't too keen on strawberries, but he chose to put them on his porridge today.
"happy four-year anniversary, my love," he said, staring down into his porridge with a small smile. i would have kissed him on the cheek and handed him his gift. he would tell me i didn't have to, but i always knew he had his own gift for me tucked away somewhere.
he stood up and quickly walked into our bedroom. i didn't follow him, but he came back pretty soon with a small velvet box. and i fell to the floor. i could tell i was crying, but i could no longer feel the warmth of my tears as they cascaded down my face.
"i was going to give it to you last year," felix began. "before you collapsed, on our three-years. i had been planning it for months, with jisung's help, obviously. i could never do something like that on my own. and then after you had your diagnosis, i knew i had to do it soon. i had to." it was then felix's turn to break down into tears.
i wanted to hold his hand. i wanted to hug him. i wanted to tell him everything was okay, that we were okay. i wanted to kiss him. i wanted to tell him i loved him. i wanted to tell him that nothing in the world could tear us apart, but i would be lying, because we had been torn apart. torn apart by the very thing that actually brought us closer together, if that was even possible.
"mr hwang, i want you to remember that this treatment is experimental, and we are not one hundred percent sure that it will cure your cancer," the doctor explained.
i looked down at the floor for a second. this treatment could either give me my life back, or take it all away in an instant. felix grasped hold of my hand, squeezing it lightly.
"it's up to you, my love. i will always love you no matter what."
"do you remember when i took you to that italian restaurant because you said you always wanted to go there?" yes, i do.
"i was going to propose to you then. me and jisung had been frantically planning a wedding for the week after. i wanted to make sure we married before you left. even if you didn't leave, and you were still here after it, i just wanted to be sure that..." he started sobbing, and i rushed to his side. even though he couldn't see me, it was as if he could feel me as i rubbed his back reassuringly. he smiled happily, despite the tears staining his face.
"i wanted to make sure that you knew that i loved you, that i love you, with my whole heart, and nothing could change that. i love you so much, hwang hyunjin, and i miss you even more." felix then opened the box and took the two rings out of the box and slipping them onto his finger.
