Undeniable Desires

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry this isn't an update it's an explanation. I know I promised you all an update at least once a month and prior to making that promise I immediately broke it.  It wasn't intentional  and I know you all are tired of hearing that really life got in the way...

December 2017 my entire world crashed around me when my grandma was unexpectedly diagnosed with Lung cancer after not having touched a cigarette in thirty years ( she quit before I was born).  My entire life my grandma has been my entire world. If my heart beats for anyone it was and always will be her. She was always the light the shined through my darkness and lead me back home. The one person in the world I never question loved me without conditions. She stood in my corner and rooted for me when the rest of the world turned their back on me. She even took me in when I got kicked out of my parents home when I was sixteen when my mom went to jail for her third DUI and my stepdad decided it was time to divorce her. When my depression was swallowing me while, she fought my demons.  And good God did I have demons. As she was being diagnosed with cancer and I sat at her side crying, she was the one to take my hand again and instead of listening to the words of her doctors she held me and apologize for something she had no control over. Instead of being scared for herself even then she was scared for me, apologetic to me. Because she knew what this would mean for me in the long scheme of things. And I know. I was selfish. I knew that I should have been stronger for her and I regret that and I will for the rest of my life.

December 2018 after a long year of chemo and radiation we learned the cancer had spread going from a stage one cancer( which was rare to find so early on) to a stage four; terminal. And once again I was lost because she had been responding so well. The tumors in her lungs has shrunk, but as we were paying attention to them they were moving to her brain.  Her treatment plan changed over the year. We were no longer fighting the cancer. We treated the tumors in her brain to shrink them to reduce the inter-cranial pressure and seizures they were causing.

2019 had been a year of constant disagreement between family memebers and myself as she left me in charge of her medical care and estate as she was eventually deemed medically unable to make decisions for herself. In October she began to decline and I thought that this years would be the last thanksgiving and Christmas I would have with her.  November 18, 2019 started off with an early trip to the emergency room for a bed sore we had been treating that we feared had become septic.  The emergency room doctor said it wasn't but the end was near. She hallucinated eating a lot when she wasn't. That day she gave us a prescription for hospice; end of life care and we took her home.  I spent most of the day with her laying bed next to her and just talking until I had to leave to get my son from school. Tuesday the 19th I went back the morning. It had been the first time she had been lucid in a long time. She smiled at me and said "thank god Anna. I didn't think I would get to say goodbye to you. "  I stayed with her until I had to go to work but all day something screamed at me to go back.  I finished with work at 9:30 pm and went straight back to her and crawled in to bed. My cousins ( they lived with her) had told me that she slept most of the day. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. I talked to her for hours, even though I didn't really responses other than her opening her eyes and looking at me. The plan had been for me to stay the night that night but I couldn't sleep without my pillow and I had wanted to get my son. So I had decided I would keep my son home from school the following day and I would bring him back first thing in the morning. I gave her a kiss and I told her how much I love her. That time she opened her eyes and looked me straight in the eyes and actually responded. "I love you more than you'll ever know but I don't belong here anymore. Grandpa's coming for me " I told her I loved her again and kissed her. And I told her I was sorry. That I knew she was tired and that she didn't have to fight any longer. That I would be okay. That I would make sure everyone would be okay. That is she saw grandpa to take his hand. And she went back to sleep and I promised her I would be back with Wyatt in the morning.

Got up early on November 20th and got my son in the car. My sister with her daughter not too far behind me. We stopped at 7/11 for a quick coffee before continuing our drive. I went straight to my grandma's house while my sister went to get everyone breakfast from mcdonald's. My son and I went into her room together and I instantly knew she was gone.  And I kind lost myself. She has recently passed missed her minutes. And that broke me even more.

Over the weeks we struggled to come up with the funding for her funeral. Over the weeks I struggled to find my grounding, to keep the darkness at bay because I promised. But I am failing. I struggle to get out of bed everyday. I disassociate more than I admit to my therapist. And I'm struggling with thoughts of self harm and suicide ( I promise you all I am in intensive therapy weekly, I'm medicated and would never disrespect my grandmother  that way I'm just being honest with how I'm thinking and feeling).I cannot process living in a world where she no longer exists. She was the one person I would go to when I felt like this and I can't turn to her anymore.  I'm just so lost and disinterested in everything. But I'm trying.

December 19,2019 we were finally able to lay her to rest. I thought I would feel some kind closure. But all it did was set in the finality of it all. The funeral was the last time I saw her. The last time I ever got to touch her. It was the end. In retrospect it's been two days since the funeral and I've tried to write for you all because my grandma would want me to continue living my life and not be so stuck inside myself like I am. But the truth is I don't know how to get out. I have a lot of regrets and right now that seems to be all I can hold on to. I regret that I had to work so much and wasted all my tomorrows with her. I regret not staying with her that night. I lost my final moments. I regret not having her strength to pull through this because at the end of it all I know I'm breaking my last promise to her. And I regret that I've started resenting this time of year despite it being her favorite because she left me.

And with all that I'm also in the process of trying to sell her house because she had outstanding debts that require payment. So that's just another thing I'm going to lose on top of everything else.

At the end of this all, I do eventually plan to finish this story. I just can't say when. I can't make any promises right now other than I am trying. I just need time but I don't know how much time. Just bare with me please?

I do have one request for you all. A small christmas wish.  Hold your loved ones closer this year for me. Hold them tight and tell them how much they mean to you. Love them a little longer a little stronger because tomorrow isn't promised.

Thank you if you took the time to read through all this and thank you for your patiences.  I hope you all have a happy holiday.

Best Regards and love,

Anna