A Time of Love within this Blackened Land

Katie - February 20

Angry. Furious. That's how I felt after Hawaii. Not sad or disappointed, as I had expected. The flight back home gave me time to think to the point of overthinking. At first I thought what was making me so mad was the idea of him practically ignoring me when I most needed him, but then I realised I was not angry at him but at myself. He had put off everything he had to do to be there with me for whatever crazy reason and I was complaining about the fact that he took some time to answer a couple of texts. I can be so selfish sometimes. First, I leave my mum and grandma alone to spend the day with a guy I just met and, then, I ruin it with him because I can't bear not having his full attention all the time. I overreacted, that's for sure, but when I realised it was already too late- I could feel the tension in his arm draped clumsily around my shoulders.

Before getting off the plane, I reached the conclusion that what's done is done and there is no point focusing on such negative thoughts so since I got home I've shifted the focus of my overthinking to a short yet complex question: why? I keep going over that word again and again. Why did I go to Hawaii? What was I thinking when I said 'yes'? Was I thinking at all? The fact that we both travelled so many hours just to spend a day together seems inconceivable now that I consider it with a clear mind. Yet, it happened and I can't stop thinking it was a mistake. A huge, humongous mistake. Everything was just too unplanned, too crazy, too forced. I got on that plane on a whim. I just needed to see him. But... why? Maybe I was expecting him to cure a wound that was not up to him to fix. Maybe that's why I got so mad when I realized he's not some sort of magician, he's just a regular guy with good intentions a killer rock band.

As I finally sit on the couch with some much needed comfort-food, I turn on my phone for the first time since I left Hawaii to let my mom know I'm home already. A series of tings and beeps I was not expecting draw my attention to the screen. There are texts and missed calls from my mum and from Jake too. I take a quick look at the texts before returning the calls expecting to find stuff like "are you home?" and "there's leftovers in the fridge." What I read instead makes my cheeks burn and my breathing get caught in my throat with a croaky sound. I stare at the screen long enough for it to automatically switch off and then I'm shaken out of my trance by an incoming call that lights it up again.

Jake.

I pick up and take the phone to my ear but can't utter a word.

"Katie! You there? I was starting to get worried! Are you home? Are you okay?"

"Hi... hi, Jake. I'm fine. Home, yes," I manage to say.

I hear him sigh before speaking. "What happened? Is something wrong? I kept going straight to voicemail."

"Nothing's wrong. No. Everything's fine. My phone was off and I... I just turned it on... that's all."

"What kind of person does not turn on their phone as soon as they get off the plane? You're weird," he says clearly more relaxed now. "It was a joke," he clarifies hesitantly when he does not receive an answer.

"I know," I say and fake a laugh.

After a long pause, Jake speaks again. "Katie... what is it? Is it because of the texts? I said I'm sorry."

He had. He had apologized even when he had done nothing wrong. It was only natural that his family and friends were curious - or even worried - about him suddenly taking off to Hawaii. Of course the band and crew would try to contact him with a new leg of the tour only a few days away.

"What? No! I'm the one who's sorry about that. It's just... I don't know... didn't it feel weird?"

"It?" he echoes.

"Didn't you get the feeling that maybe... I don't know... maybe we are forcing things too much?"

"Not really. In fact, getting on that plane to Hawaii was the most spontaneous thing I ever did." I hear a pinch of excitement in his voice.