That Boy [bxb] - sequel to P.B.

Day one

When thinking about life,
remember this:

no amount of guilt
can change the past

and no amount of anxiety
can change the future.
— unknown.

Day one

{Alex}

Friday.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, I think back. Back to how everything was good and the complete opposite of what it is now. We were content and I knew whether or not the love of my life was breathing.

Holy fuck. I don't even know if Matthew is breathing right now. For all I know, he could be dead. Cold and frozen and lifeless, the same heart I used to listen to beat as I laid my head on his chest at night, chasing after his warmth and comfort because he was the only thing that made me feel alright and I can't live without that. My anchor. Without him, I'll sink to the bottom. I already feel like I'm drowning and I don't even know if he's gone. The thought is so terrifying.

I feel sick as I recall his happy, smiling face after he kissed me goodbye and left my apartment, leaving me with the knowledge that he was going to hang out with the 'waiter guy Nathan'. When I asked what he was going to do, he responded, "He said he needed advise about Mason", and that's all I needed to know. I wish Matthew told the truth.

Nonetheless, being oblivious to Matthew's lie, which I would hold annoyance over if this accident were to never have happened, I'm not annoyed. I know now how fragile life is to be annoyed over such things.

Oh God. Everything was good.

Really good.

It was the time where I knew both of us were alive. Not only us, but our relationship was alive, exciting and full of love, and it's been a year. March 20th signified a year together and that was yesterday. We took a day off of school together to celebrate it.

I feel bad for smiling right now but I can't seem to help it as I recall how all day, we celebrated. How we watched the sunrise, ate breakfast on my apartment's balcony, exchanged the one special gift we bought for each another, had a picnic in the park for lunch, and reminisced.

We reminisced a lot about the past year and what we overcame together. We discussed the future and our plans and decided that we're going to explore Europe when we graduate from college. We looked at pictures and videos, we laughed and cried, and it was perfect. I took him out for dinner, we made love, and ended the day watching the sunset wrapped in blankets, huddled close together, feeling the warm emitting from each other's bodies. The warmth and the love and the commitment.

We weren't just celebrating the fact that we had put up with each other's messes and break downs and issues for a whole year, we celebrated the fact that we overcame that, we went through those horrible times yet we still stayed together and we're still so strong. Nothing could ever break that. At least, we thought that then.

We celebrated our strength and resilience and our love in it's entirety. We missed nothing out. We celebrated each other and we celebrated ourselves. Not only did our relationship survive a year, we did too. We're still here and we're standing and our hearts are beating. Together. I'm almost convinced our hearts beat the same rhythm.

But Matthew may not be here anymore. He's not standing. I have no way of knowing if his heart is beating. I have no idea where he is. Specifically.

Matthew.