That Boy [bxb] - sequel to P.B.

Day two

"Guilt, regret... and all
forms of non-forgiveness
are cause by too much
past and not enough
presence."
— Ekhart Tolle

Day two

Saturday

It's midnight and after four hours of waiting, we still haven't heard news about Matthew's condition. Each time we flagged down a doctor or nurse walking by to ask what's going on, the response has consistently been 'I'm not sure. I could go and find some information for you' and they never come back.

Four hours of torture, sat in the waiting room on my own. Valentina works in this hospital, so she's somewhere in the building in professional mode, trying to find any information she can. Eva isn't allowed to come tonight, Sofia has to stay home with Sebastian and Isaak and is coming in the morning, Luca is away at college in Cali, David has been on his way from work for two hours now. Texted to say he's stuck in traffic. Apparently a car pile up on a highway and he can't get past it.

I'm left on my own, question after question popping up in my head that I'm aching to ask but know I won't get any answers if I do.

Is he in critical condition?
Is he stable?
What are his injuries?
Are his injuries not that bad?
Are they really bad?
Is he going to die?
Is he already dead?
Is he awake?
Is he still in surgery?
Will he be able to walk? Talk? Eat? Move?

Nothing. For four hours.

I've been crying on and off. It comes in a system. I'm crying, racked with guilt, and when my tears run out I'm staring at the wall opposite me, numb, and then my tears regenerate and I'm crying again. Not much. I'm not sobbing. The tears come quietly. Softly.

I'm crying now. Valentina comes back and spots me.

"Oh, Alex," leaves her lips as she sits beside me. She hasn't cried once. I feel stupid, but then I'm reminded over and over again that I could've done something and I didn't.

"I killed my mom. She died thinking I hated her, but I don't, I never have. I just want her back, and now I've basically killed Matthew too, and he'll go thinking that I'm so mad at him."

"You did not kill anyone, caro," she tries to assure me, taking my hand in hers.

"I did." I sniff.

"No. It was your mother's choice to do what she did, and what happened to our Matthew was an accident at the fault of the driver, not you. He is not dead, OK, and no matter what happens, we will always be here and we will always be your family to come to. You did not kill anyone," Valentina says firmly. She seems determined, but her optimism makes me feel worse.

I know I wasn't the driver, wasn't the one who physically hurt him but I was right there and I did nothing. I didn't even help Jake after Matty was hit. I just stood then, and when I was kneeling beside Matty, all I did was touch his face and cry. Valentina should be appalled with me.

"It should've been me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't do anything to stop or help," I mumble and I have to prevent myself from apologising again.

"You were in shock, Alex. It is very common for people to freeze when they are in shock, there is nothing to help that, your body just was not able to react. That does not mean that you let it happen or wanted him to suffer afterwards. You did not do anything to cause this. "