That Boy [bxb] - sequel to P.B.

Day four

I feel nothing quite often
Searching for reasons to
escape this bed
The frown lines have softened
No argument inside my head

Acceptance is the only truth to
this feeling
Praying it will someday lead to
healing
For now there is nothing
No laugh
No art
No sing
- Christi Steyn

Day four

Sunday into Monday

"Daddy!"

The sound of my daughter's voice as I walked into her home is like nothing else. The sight of her rushing up to me, hands stretched up above her head, bouncing on her little feet because she wants me to pick her up, is something that helps me to remember that I am worthy of something.

I'd forgotten about that; my worthiness. When Matty was able to speak to me, he'd remind me every day of my worth, and so I attached it to being his boyfriend. But now he's not here to give me reassurance and I forgot again. I've forgotten a lot of things now he's not here to tell me of them.

Nonetheless, as I hold my daughter in my arms, I don't let myself forget of my worthiness as her father.

"You're getting so big," I say, bouncing my two and a half year old in my arms. Although I saw her only a week ago, I feel like she's bigger every time I see her. She snuggles her head into the crook of my neck, her curly hair brushing across my face and it smells so sweet. That makes me smile.

"Would you like a drink?" Erica asks, the same grin on her face that she usually has when I'm hanging out with our little one.

"Just some water. Thanks."

She smiles, nod, then goes to the kitchen to fill up a glass of water for me. She put it on the table next to the couch. Then she sits down.

"How are you holding up?" I ask her, making sure to remember the fact that her and her boyfriend of two years broke up recently.

"Still pretty upset, but I'm making sure to not let my emotions get the better of me. For Chloe. I explained that she wouldn't see him anymore but I don't think she minds. She didn't form much of a bond with him, anyway. He didn't really try with her." She suddenly frowns. "It's just now that I'm a single mother. Scary."

"Matthew's sister is a single mother, too. Sofia. I mean, Luke does see Sebastian every other weekend but she's mainly on her own. Maybe I could talk to her, you could get together one day and do something. Might be good to have a friend who understands."

Chloe wriggles, so I put her down, and she tugs me along to the couch so we can sit together. Well, her on my lap.

"That would be good, actually. I don't really have any friends who are moms, as you know. All the moms at Chloe's preschool are so much older than me and are definitely judgemental of my age."

She's told me this before, she knows my words of advise, so I just nod, "I'll make sure to talk to her."

"Thank you." She reaches over and places her hand on top of mine. "Anyway, enough about me. How are you holding up?"

I am about to respond, but then I realise I'm not quite sure. So I take a moment so judge how I'm feeling, and it's now that I realise that even though I have my beautiful daughter in my lap, snuggling against me, I still feel so lonely and empty. The feeling is right there in my gut.