That Boy [bxb] - sequel to P.B.

Day seven

Day seven

TW: talking about reactions to SA.

Thursday

Early morning. I lie awake in Matty's bed, deciding. Do I go back to school today?

Lonely. That's one thing I felt going in yesterday. I was doing it completely alone, a rash decision. Solution: have a friend come in with me. That's sorted; Jake is to meet me here at 8 am sharp.

The aim is to get to at least lunch. That's four hours. I'm honestly not sure if I can do it, but, for my Matty, I will try. My Matty who I won't be able to see until later today. That's why it's hard going in. I truly would rather be by his side, and I can be if I don't go to school. However, I think I need to give it another shot. If this doesn't work today, I'm not going to try again, not until Matty is able to come with me.

More decisions.

Another one... I've decided I'm not going to university this year anymore. Yesterday, in a single phone call, the offer from Juilliard was accepted but deferred a year successfully, thank goodness.

I feel a little better. I think the ominous thought of that acceptance letter sitting on my desk was pressing a heavy load of pressure onto my shoulders without me even realising it. This has helped me confirm my plans of taking at least a year out. It's not just so I can look after Matty, it's so I can sort the mess of my brain out before jumping back into the stress and weight of education again.

I have pondered the idea of medicine. Maybe a year out will help me decide if that's what I truly want. If I decide on it, I will withdraw my acceptance to Juilliard and apply elsewhere before I have to start making any payments. If I decide against it, I have the comfort of Juilliard to fall back on.

I do need to make sure my attendance does not fall behind too badly. I have only missed almost four days of school: Thursday for the anniversary, Monday, Tuesday, and most of Wednesday, but I don't think I should let it stack up. I need to make up for my not-so-good behavioural record. Juilliard only accepted me because of my exemplary interview and grade record, where I was able to fully explain my substandard behaviour and in what ways I have made a change to that. It would seem that I am good at talking my way into things.

My relationship with Matty is an example of that skill.

I drag myself out of the comfort of Matty's blankets and the memories of when I once was able to hold him in my arms. I shower, and instead of using the 'Matty's house' products I leave here for myself, I used his instead so I smell like him. I get changed into my 'Matty's house' spare school uniform and brush my teeth with my 'Matty's house' toothbrush.

I feel sad at the sight of his toothbrush, unused, just sitting there in it's pot. The wondering if it will ever be used again causes a tight knot in my stomach. I have to make an effort with my breathing for it to loosen.

Jake is waiting outside for me. He greets me with a smile and a hand on the shoulder, an eery air of pity trailing behind his actions. I like Jake, I think he's great, but he's crap at hiding the pity he has for me, and it's one thing I'd want different about him. I wonder if Matty ever felt the same way.

"How are you feeling today, did you sleep okay?" He asks, and that's fine.

"I'm okay," I lie, "Slept about four hours, I think."