Living With The Bad Boy [COMPLETE][VERSION ONE]

Chapter 17

Jase:

Sienna falls asleep immediately, but it takes me a little longer. A galaxy of thoughts float through my head like- well, like usual, lately. Especially thoughts about her.

It's annoying.

She's annoying.

Though, truthfully, it's me that's annoying.

All this time, all these weeks, I convinced her I didn't care. That the two of us being around each other brought nothing but anger and hatred. I even managed to convince myself.

Just kidding. I wish I'd managed to convince myself that this was the right thing to do. It would make this a hell of a lot easier.

Sienna shifts, mumbling something in her dream and I look down, reminded, for a second, of just why this is so... well, everything it is. She's pale, paler than usual, and looks weak and tired in the dim hospital light, but even that can't take away the small quirks of her lips, like someone just said something funny. Her eyes are rimmed with red from crying, but her long, thick lashes barely give it away. Her expression is so undeniably Sienna that it makes me smile for a second. Stubborn, sweet, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Jesus christ, this is a nightmare. Not to mention, I have a girlfriend, one whom I was supposed to meet up with for brunch. And canceled on. Though I guess 'canceled on' is too generous— I didn't even send her a text. Asshole. An image of Chrissa flashed through my brain unwarranted, biting her cherry-red lips as she texts me frantically from the table, a hand clenched around her glass as to not ruin her perfectly groomed face with tears. In all the years I've known her, Chrissa's never cried.

A pang goes through me when I think of how I left her there alone, but it's hard to feel too sorry for her. Not when she poured syrup on Sienna's head, or called her a whore behind her back.

Though, I think to myself with a grimace, it's not like I'm much better. I remember the first day I met Sienna. I saw her again in the hallway, in a shirt that was showing way more cleavage than I think she intended. And I had my so-called friends with me, expecting me to say something to her. If it hadn't been me, it would've been them, and I've been on the receiving end of Cody's threats enough times to know that what I did was mild compared to him.

Ugh. I need to stop making excuses, my god. The truth is, as much as I try to justify it, as much as I know that part of me just did it to protect her- the majority of me did it for myself. So I'd look like I was still good enough, still sleazy enough for my reputation. My so-called "friends" suspect, have suspected for a long time, that deep down, I'm not as heartless as I pretend to be. Doesn't help that I'm still in the pathetic excuse of an on-and-off relationship with Chrissa. It's only a matter of time before someone finds out about her and Christine. She's crazy to be doing this, crazy to think she won't get caught.

But a part of me wishes I had some of that crazy. Part of me wishes I could just ask Sienna out instead of trying to suppress all of my feelings for her and distance myself.

But Sienna and I?

We wouldn't last a second. We're from two polar opposite worlds, and like two asteroids headed on a collision course, if Sienna and I explore the... whatever it is between us, I'm afraid that both of us would crash and burn.

But that's just the fear talking, right? The fear that this is all completely one-sided and all of the time, the thought, the effort I've spent thinking about us is for nothing. The fear that being with me will hurt her, that I will hurt her. The fear that she will hurt me. The fear that she'll break my heart.

All a little too much for a Sunday night.

Most of those fears I know are just my head making up excuses, ut one lingers, always has lingered, like a shadow. I'm not good enough for her. She's warmth and sunshine and champagne with strawberries, and I'm... well, I'm bad news. Everybody knows that. I probably skip like half my classes (how I manage to keep my grades, I'll never know), take shots at parties all the time, smoke pot, and... stronger. Though that's never happening again. I remember the high from the coke, dizzying and speeded up, like I was on a too-fast rollercoaster and didn't know how to slow down. My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it was going to burst out of my ribcage, and instead of dancing with this gorgeous girl, Jessica, I'd hidden in a coat closet until the high faded.

So, yeah. Not doing cocaine again.

But still. I've done coke, I've slept around with more girls than I can count. While I had a girlfriend.

Well. Sort of. I don't think either of us has been in love with the other since freshman year, to be honest. And it's not exactly like she's been faithful, either. She thinks I don't know about Christine, but I've seen their texts, I've seen the way Chrissa looks at her.

It's the way she used to look at me.

I sigh, shifting my body down further, closer to Sienna. Her hand has somehow found its way to rest on my ribcage, her other arm down at her side, almost touching mine with the palms facing away. I've been trying so hard to push her away, but right now I can barely breathe, every cell in my body wishing, yearning to get closer. Clearly, my plan hasn't worked.

But I'm going in circles here. Clearly, I have two choices to make, two girls to figure out what the hell I'm doing with.

Sienna. Who my brain keeps telling me to stay away from and my stupid heart is forcing me closer to. Who I'm afraid of hurting. But I've already hurt her by pushing her away.

I'll never be good enough to date her. At least not right now. I don't even think she'd consider me for a second. She's happy with Noah Windsor, and I'm just the jerk who's been making her life hell.

But I can't push her away anymore.

But maybe, just maybe, if we were friends...

I've thought it all through. Far enough away not to hurt her, but closer than now. The only thing I haven't thought through is how to get her to not completely hate me. Even though that hatred is probably deserved. Apologies aren't my thing, but if I want her in my life, I'm going to have to make one hell of an apology.

But first, I have to break up with my girlfriend. Chrissa and I have barely been dating at all the past few years, our on-and-off relationship just enough to not break our old habits while still leaving room for seeing whoever else we want on the side. It's gotten to the point where cheating doesn't even feel like cheating anymore. Where I've made out with girls at parties, in front of her, just to finally get a reaction, finally get her to break up with me. But old habits die hard. We always manage to get back together.

Not this time.

It's not fair to her, or to me, or to Sienna.

We need to break up.

Now if only that was as easy as it sounds. 

A/N: Hey guys! I hope everyone's having a great Monday (ack does that even exist?)! I debated whether or not to write this chapter for soooo long because I usually don't like to have the POV change randomly, but also I think this is a really important chapter for the rest of the plot and to show Jase's feelings on everything before we go forward. So you may or may not ever see this in the final version! Let me know your thoughts on it, good or bad, because I'd love to know, and I'll have a new update for you guys next Monday! 

-Lemon Zest :)