Say You Love Me

{12}

Sunday, five weeks until the wedding.

She was breathing easy on the coast with Severus quietly sipping tea beside her, staring expectantly for her to speak.

"You seem... pensive."

Hermione huffed, a smile on her face nonetheless. She was just happy to be here and think about the answer she was going to get in a few weeks. While it wasn't a certain thing, she felt that there was something about this place, the air, that would at the very least cure her pain and having to spit up flower petals.

"I just... am very glad that I am here, is all. You seemed rather busy the past few days," she added, sipping her own tea.

"Ah, yes," he said carefully, "Sometimes the life of retirement is filled with things to do."

"Not avoiding me?" Hermione asked playfully.

"No," he glared, as though wondering why she would think such a thing, "I have been helping Draco with wedding preparations. You are aware that they will be occupying my beach, yes?"

She nodded.

"Good. I didn't tell you last you were present because I was slightly out of focus."

Hermione's stomach fell through her body.

He could see the whiteness she'd taken on, even in the comfortable warmth of the evening. She felt exposed, as though his blatant admittance of admiration was making her sick. It was, but not in the way he was assuming as he bolstered like an offended peacock.

"And I seem to have only made a fool of myself as well. Can only see me as the dungeon bat from your school days, I imagine?" He hissed at her, looking as equally uncomfortable as she felt with him throwing barbs her way.

Hermione wanted to cry! She had subconsciously known, but if she didn't say anything she thought Severus might leave it alone, especially since he bloody well knew that she wasn't over Ron quite yet. With his blunt manner she should have known about how deep his feelings went, however. She felt... attracted to him, there was no doubt about it. The sight of him either in or out of his element made her insides ache, but this was all the hurt she could afford to put him through. What if he got attached to her? Her death could kill him, all of their lives only still intact because Lily's death hadn't ended his life. Suddenly, no love didn't sound like such a bad thing when it came to exclusively Severus, but not the rest of her life. She was happy with her decision of limiting her time, and she just couldn't let him get attached to her if that was the case.

After her still not being able to muster anything up to say, Severus stood, mumbling about how he needed some firewhiskey to liven up his cuppa.

Hermione wiped away the tears, but she made sure to look as presentable as possible when he returned. Now she just needed to salvage their friendship.

When he surprisingly returned, the smell of cinnamon not as strong as she would have imagined it, he was just as surprised as she was.

"You're still here."

A statement and a question.

"I don't think you're a dungeon bat," she told him firmly.

He scoffed, not daring to look at her. The guilt weighed on Hermione as she felt her chest constrict, but not enough for pain. Just for the need to cry.

"Severus, you're a very attractive wizard, I must say, but I can't let you get attached to me, not with my heart still partially Ron's."

There, she'd said part of it. Half-truths, Hermione, half-truths.

"Would I smear your golden reputation?"

"Hardly, I would be a stain on your record if anything. So I helped Harry for a few years, you did the hardest work for sixteen bloody years."

"I didn't do anything that I wanted to do during that time, yet I was still guilty. I do things for me now, and well," he stopped, looking at her meaningfully.

He wanted her for himself, and she was probably the first thing he'd wanted since the private beach house. The poor wizard. He would eat her alive if he knew she was pitying him, though.

"I'm sorry, Severus, but I'm not good for anyone right now. You should just... listen to me, I promise you I am worse news than Rita Skeeter's articles."

He shook his head, smiling now. Hermione was terrified of that smile, but only because it made her feel something. Not the pain of her flowers taking root, not the dread of her lifespan shrunk so shortly, not anything but sheer and utter attraction.

Wasn't she completely buggered?

"Insufferable, aren't you?"

"I reckon I am, in fact."

Severus did not like her answers as much as she did, but this was for the best, really.

"Whose side are you on for the wedding?" Hermione asked as a change of subject.

"Draco's, obviously. He needs as many people as he can get," he said solemnly, pleased with the change of topic.

"I'm front row on Harry's side considering he doesn't have any family. I suppose that's most of us these days, though."

He assessed her briefly, "What about your muggle parental figures?"

She laughed at the clinical term but felt the pang of the loss and grief come with the mention.

"I wiped their memories before the war. Sent them to Australia. They run a practice down there now and have adopted."

Severus looked sympathetic, but not at all shocked.

"And you say you did nothing for the war but follow Harry around with a book."

Their atmosphere had lightened slightly, and her companion shuffled under the influence of several more sips of his spiked tea.

"I cannot say I am not disappointed with today's turn of events, but I will say they were slightly more favorable than you finding me repulsive."

"I could never-" she said quickly, realizing her mistake instantly.

"I am aware, I just wish I knew why you needed to ward me away."

"I just... don't belong with anyone right now, Severus. I am bossy, a know-it-all, too smart for my own good, completely over-eager, and-"

"Absolutely stunning."

He said this as though it were common knowledge. Ron had never been so forthcoming with her when complimenting her, usually fumbling over it or pushing it all out in one rush of words. The change was nice, but couldn't go on.

"Severus," she bemoaned.

"Say whatever it is you will, Hermione. I'll let you have your secrets and your lingering feelings for Weasley, and maybe one day, I will be able to show you the bedroom the way I wish to."

His innuendo was heavy, Hermione would have to be daft to have missed it considering he basically stated out loud that he would shag her if she'd let him. She wanted to let him.

"Would you like to do lunch this week?"

He glanced at her hopefully.

"As friends?"

Severus let out a loose laugh, something so languid, she felt better in an instant.

"I would bloody love lunch."