Love Is Synthetic

I love you, but I don't want to

Readers, this is a note to the boy who hurt me. If you haven’t read “I trusted, he lied, I got hurt, and it all started with a note", then DO NOT read this. Go back and read "I trusted...." or you will really mess up the story. K? Enjoy!

Betrayed. That's a good word for what I’m feeling. Hurt and lost as I watched you walk away from me once again. I felt tears brimming in my eyes, and I bit my lip to keep them from falling. Sorry? You had never been sorry. Honest? You had never been honest. Loved? You will always be loved.

Yes, it’s true that I still have feelings for you, and no, I don’t want them. I never wanted them in the first place, but I have them and I refuse to let them get the best of me. I’m not strong enough to ignore you, but I’m strong enough to stand next to you and smile. I’m not brave enough to ask you why, but I’m brave enough to laugh at your jokes. I’m not hopeful enough to want someone else, but I’m hopeful enough to wish you were mine. Even after all the hurt you caused me, after all the tears I cried for you, after all those times I spent waiting for you to call, I still wish that you were mine.

And as I sit here writing you this one and final note, I want you to know that you hurt me, and it’s something that I won’t ever forget. When I look at you, I will only see the pain that you caused and all the feelings I wish I didn’t feel. I'll see all those laughs and smiles and all the times you met me at my locker. I'll remember all the lies you told to me, and when I do, I'll fall even more deeply in love with someone I hate with such a passion, it’s stronger than anything I have ever felt. That someone is you, and we both know that it was hard to get a hold of you. Letting you go is going to be harder. It was hard to tell you how I felt; it’s harder to ignore it. And finally, it’s hard to love you, but I always will.

It’s hard not to call out to you as walk away. I want to say I’m sorry, but that would mean forgiving you, and that just something I can’t do yet. I want to move on, get past this aching hole in my chest, but every time you pass me by this hole just gets bigger, threatening to swallow my entire being. I try to say that I never meant it when I said that I loved you, but you know me well enough to know that it was all true. I want to forget the lies, the pain, but most of all, I want to forget you. I want to forget all teardrops that hit the floor the past three weeks, falling like rain to the ground. I bite my lip every time I see you, holding them back, but once I’m alone in my room there’s no stopping them. They come, whether I want them to or not. Giving you up is easy. Forgetting is the hard part, forgiving even harder. What is it that changed your mind about us being friends? Was it all a lie, or at some point did you actually mean what you said? These are the questions that trap me, holding me right here, in this hole of self-pity.

My dreams, filled with hopes of you and me, haunt throughout the day. Walking next to you, laughing. My dream, repeated over and over again. I set up straight in my bed, tears flowing before I can stop them, before I can will them back. I cry, and cry, and cry. I cry the whole night, silently letting all the hurt show, after holding it in for so long. Everything goes into my journal, and I finally can sleep dreamlessly, without worries, without pain, without you filling my head with fantasies.

This is it. The hardest part. Good-bye.

Okay, so I’m not good with sticking to my word. No, I can’t give you this note that will end everything once and for all, because loosing you would mean losing a part of myself. A part of myself I refuse to give up on until I am forced to let go. No, I won’t let go of you. Your to incredible to let go of, and it’s something that is like a drug to me. I’m addicted to you and as I talked with you on the phone you told me that you were never pretending. You were really my friend, changing everything that I had thought for so long about you. We talked for hours, about all the things in our small town middle school lives, and all that time I felt different inside. I felt like things were finally going back to the way they were, the way things were supposed to be. All that time, I felt as if I could tell you anything, and I could trust you with it. Why couldn’t I just always have been myself like that? I don’t know. I’m not going to look back at all those things that went wrong, I’m not going to hold those things over your head, and I’m not going to let those little mistakes stop us from being friends.

Yes, know you never meant to hurt me. No, it’s not easy to forget, and no, I haven’t fully forgiven you yet, but I’m trying, and things only get easier as we get closer. I’m not the same girl I was before, this changed me beyond the point of turning back, and I’m not as much of a little girl anymore because of it. I’m proud of that. I’m proud that I’m not the same person, that I’m a little stronger. Strength isn’t something that anyone can give up on, because without it, where would we find the courage to step back and walk away from those who were really trying to hurt you? Where would we find the motivation to keep going? The answer: we wouldn’t find it at all.

I don’t love you as more than a friend, the way it should have been from the very beginning, and I’m happy. I’m happy just being your friend, knowing I can count on you to make me laugh when I need it, sticking up for me when I’m being put down, and liking me just the way I am. It’s all I ever wanted, before I ended up falling for you, it’s all I want now, and I don’t want things to change. I want things to stay like this between us always, because it’s something I have that feels..... Exactly the way it should. Meant to be. Meant to be friends from the beginning, and I know that it was my fault for ruining that before. This is my chance with you, a chance to prove to you that I’m not the average girl that everyone sees. This is your chance to figure out the girl no one else really knows, and it’s our chance to just go back to the way things used to be. The way things are supposed to be.

So I didn’t get my happy ending that I wanted with you. And things didn’t turn out the way I planned, but that’s life, and it won’t ever go the way I plan, even if it feels right. And, yeah, you hurt me, but I forgive you. For all those things that you never meant, all those things that went wrong, all of it is forgiven. Forgetting is the hard part. I’m working on it, but I don’t think I will ever completely forget what happened, and that makes it hard to be a loyal friend. To be a good friend.

This feeling that it’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be fades and my heart is breaking as we slowly realize that things will never be the same between us. That what happened will always be between us, keeping us from ever really be true friends again.