Love Is Synthetic

Forrbidden Love

Loving someone, for all they are, is hard. Forgiving them when they make a mistake is harder. But forgetting them, when you’re trying to move on, that’s the greatest challenge I have ever faced.

I thought love was easy, simple even, and then my world was turned up-side down when I met him. He was amazing, and before I could stop myself, I was telling him all about my life. My secrets, my friends, my favorite things, all of it just came tumbling out of my mouth. I have never felt so safe around anyone else in my entire life. When he laughed at my jokes, I felt as if I could really trust someone for the first time in forever. He wasn’t what he appeared to be, a jerk with a sweet smile. Instead, he was the most amazing guy I have ever met.

Here’s what got me to trust him: he didn’t laugh at me when I cried. I was hurt and angry at my parents for not trusting me. I was hurting so much that I couldn’t hold back the tears, and before I knew it, he was comforting me. That was the last thing I had expected from a guy who barely knew me, a boy who happened to be forbidden, the guy that I was falling in love with to comfort me as I cried. I was so unsure if he would actually accept me for who I was. I trust him more than I should and I think that’s what scares me. It scares me that I might get hurt all over again, and then it would all be for nothing. Nothing at all.

Things seem to be so different when I’m around him, as if nothing could hurt me. I could finally trust someone with the real me, my hopes, my dreams, my talents, my fears.... All of me I knew I could tell him, and I wouldn’t get hurt. That what scares me, though. I trust him, and it only took a matter of minutes for him to have my heart. My heart and all its shattered pieces. All I could think of was him and all I wanted was him. There’s a reason why I can’t tell him about these feelings, though. My parents forbid me from loving him, and that’s why my entire being is torn in half. I have to choose between my parents will, and my heart’s desire. At some point I will get hurt either way, so what exactly is the point when I know that my heart will be shredded no matter what?

I can’t bring myself to decide between the two, so I continue to be torn. Walking in a daze each day and never really like I was before I met him. I’m hardly who I am anymore. This aching hole throbs and grows, and it’s about to swallow me whole. I only have so much time left to choose before I am swallowed by the dark nothingness my heart is creating. The way the darkness seems to overcome me is incredibly frightening. I push the black wall that is trying to crush the last part of who I was, fighting to keep some part of myself alive, struggling to protect who I used to be. My heart seems to feel more pain than I could have imagined possible, more pain than I thought one could live through.

This is it. The last moment of being something more than a shadow, something with a purpose and a meaning. My will to fight is giving out. Crushed. Crushed into harsh nothingness. No feelings except my love for him and no purpose except to be free. Almost as if I were an angel, a free spirit meant to be protecting him, but that can’t be because I no longer have a purpose but to love him. This is what I am now, so why don’t I feel any different on the outside? Why don’t I look any different? Is this what always happens when someone falls in love?

I don’t think that I will be like this for long. I think that when I’m around him, I find parts of myself and I remember what I used to know, what I used to do, what I used to think, and love, and need. I feel like I’m human for those brief moments when I get to be what I want.... I get to be wanted, and, for once, the boy seems to need me, too. Finally, a change from other guys....

My feelings for him grow stronger as my heart screams at me to be cautious. Screaming at me to take my heart back, but the thing is, I don’t want it back as long as it’s him that has it. As long as he has it, I won’t get hurt. His smile, his eyes, his sweet laugh all seem to awaken me from a deep sleep that I have been in. Like he breaks the spell of forever slumber when I’m with him. I love him more than I should, more than what’s reasonable for someone who was just heartbroken last month, more than what I would have thought was possible before I met him.

Strange, how people can forever alter us and the way we think. As if they know exactly what to do to change us eternally, change us more than anyone else in our lives. My life was easy, simple even, and middle school drama was the biggest thing that went on around me, until I met him, and my entire being revolved around him. Revolved around the fact that I was wanted, and someone really did care that I was me. What seemed so impossible before had been accomplished. Someone really did care that I was alive, breathing, and that I was just me.

He was like my own personal miracle, a savior sent to pull me out of the deep dark hole that was swallowing me whole. Peace.... Quiet, loving peace is a good description of what I feel around him, even though we talk the entire time.