Revelations and anguish

7

Fuck! I don't know how to deal with this! Every time I see him, he is broken just a little more. I tried to breach the topic several times, but he would wind me off with a bunch of compliments on my acting. There was increasingly only one option left in sight for me.

Things have gotten worse since the day I took him on a date. He distanced himself from me more and more. When I go in the evening with dinner, he wouldn't let me feed him anymore. He wouldn't talk to me much either, the conversations were stunted, like two strangers being forced to talk. He wouldn't meet my eyes. And they were the worst. His expressive eyes were hollow, as if dead. My blood ran cold the first time I saw them. No warmth, no light left in them. I kept a close eye on him; afraid he would resort to something drastic.

***

Whenever I get too close to him, he flinches away from me. It was not very noticeable. But I have learnt to look past his camera-ready smile. With Perth, it's always the small things. He doesn't talk much. He expresses himself through his actions and Music. It should have tipped me off when I heard him sing those despondent songs at events. But I was just too busy with work, all I heard was his amazing voice singing beautifully. I forgot. Again. Dammit! I want my lover back and I wanted him to be happy! Is it too much to fucking ask!?

The WRU premeeting came and went. My lack of sleep was obvious to all and sundry due to my reddened eyes. I stayed up till he came home.

He never did.

***

It's been two days since he was home. He posted a story that showed he was doing assignments when people wondered where he was. I called his friends, but no one knew where he was. I dare not call his parents. Another story posted later showed he was with work people.

***

This has got to fucking stop! It's been two goddamned weeks. He is getting thinner and wore a desolate look on his face. I'll have to approach straightforwardly.

I looked up from where I was sitting as I heard the door of our place open. A zombie wearing my lover's face shuffled inside. My heart bled at the sight of him. My sweet gentle lover. What have I done to you my little one?

Everything I was planning on telling him died on my lips as I went up to him and hugged him tightly to me. He wouldn't respond. Not even a negative. I kissed his hair over and over trying to get him to make the slightest reaction. But nothing.

"Perth?"

Nothing.

"Baby Perth?"

I felt two wet spots on the front of my top. He was crying. Finally letting it out. I was relieved and worried at the same time. I obviously didn't want my love to cry, but I preferred that he let it all out instead of bottling it all in. Crying or screaming or both, I'll take it all from him if it means I can have him back. His tears were silent and hot with emotion, body lax. It almost felt like tears were bleeding out of his eyes. I held him to me, whispering to him how much I love him and only him. I told him how much I love his smile, his eyes. And most of all; his gentle, kind heart. I singled out every quality in him that I knew of, telling him everything I love about him. Telling him why I love him. Telling him why he is the person I love the most, why he is the person I will ever love and admire, why none could steal my heart coz it's already his, since long ago. I singled out his physical traits and mannerisms next, again attempting to convey to him everything I love about him. As I fell silent, his small fists clutched onto my clothes. I held my breath as I waited, wondering if he'd push me away or pull me closer. My heart soothed just a tad as he did neither, only held on.

My legs were stiff from standing in the sameposition for lord-knows how long. Yet I refused to move. I didn't want to ruinthe moment. Once his body started to slide as he fell asleep, I moved, flexingmy muscles and carried my baby to bed. Wrapping myself tightly around him, Ifollowed him to the realm of dreams. My last thoughts were the problems arefar from over, this is just the beginning of a very long healing process. Butit was still a beginning. It was better than nothing.