Revelations and anguish

9

"You saw?" he breathed out.

"Yes. I kept silent because there were a few things I needed to know before confronting you. And when I was ready to talk to you, you kept changing topics!" The betrayal in his eyes turned to a blank stare, his body started trembling, head shaking from side to side.

"No....no.....you weren't supposed to see that.....no one was supposed to know....no..no please no....I-I didn't mean to....it just happened...." He kept muttering, oblivious to the fact that I could hear everything. All it did was make me furious at him and at the situation.

Keeping a tight leash on my anger, I called out to him, "Perth?"

"NO!" he covered his eyes with his hands. "I didn't mean to.....you weren't supposed to see....it was none of your business!"

The storm within me tugged at the leash I kept on my mounting rage until in reduced to a pitiful thread at his words. I circled his slender wrists with my hands; I could see teeth marks on them from when he bites down to muffle his sobs, the long sleeves a little too short to hide it today. The last vestiges of my control slipped at the sight; the physical evidence of the sorrow he has been through.

As the rage coursed through my veins, I was hit with a sudden moment of clarity; this was mostly my fault for not paying proper attention to my lover, but it was slightly his fault for not speaking up. I have been blaming myself all this time and yes, all the blame is on me, but he could have spoken to me, he could've fucking said something, anything.

"WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? DAMMIT PERTH! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WATCH YOU SLIP OUT OF MY FINGERS? I NEARLY LOST YOU BECAUSE OF THIS! TALK TO ME! AT LEAST NOW, TALK TO ME!"

His head was turned away to block the anger radiating from me. He whimpered out a pitiful "No." at the end of my enraged tirade, making whatever notions I had about gently coaxing him to admit his insecurities flew out the proverbial window. He has gone too deep down the road of self-induced misery for that. It'll have to be forced out of him.

I switched both his wrists to one hand and held them above his head, gripped his hip in one hand and forced a knee between his thighs. He sobbed in protest, but I did not stop my assault. I had no intention of doing anything remotely sexual with him while he was in this state; wounded and unhappy. I only wanted to assert my dominance over him hoping maybe that will make him respond to my requests. He usually responds well whenever I dominate him on bed and I'm trusting that habit, if nothing else, will make him obey.

I settled my hips between his thighs, then ground them to his, locking his body to the mattress. Taking my hand off his hip, I buried it in his hair; using it to yank his head back, forcing him to look at me. My voice a low growl, I commanded him "I asked you to talk Perth, you would do well to obey me."

Still crying, he finally managed to sob out, "You'd h-have l-left me."

Inside, my heart was ripping. But I had to keep my cool on the outside so I could keep him talking. "Why do you think that?"

"P-P'S-Saint is al-way-s bus-y. No t-time for silly sob thin-gs." 

"Baby, you know I'll always hear you out. What made you think I won't li-" I softened my voice now that he has started talking.

"It's s-silly. You a-are w-working. My je-jealousy will b-be a nuis-ance to you."

"Why were you jealous? You know I have eyes only for you, that you are my heart's desire." I cooed at him, nuzzling his neck.

"I-I....everyone says that he is better for you...." His body convulsed as he strove to hold back his cries. I gently let go of my grip on his hands and hair and cradled his thin body, cursing the pathetic excuses of human refuse who had the audacity to call themselves fans, yet hurt the very people they idolize. I held my lover tight as I tried to coax him to cry it out. Better to cry than bottle up. His tiny hands clutched my clothes tight; he was determined to hold it in no matter how much I tried.

"Baby Perth is the best for Saint na~~~" I said, kissing his hair, trying to soothe him. But, for once, he wasn't done.

"They say yo-you look ha-happier w-with h-h-hic-him than w-with me..." I patted his back as he finally let out a single long wail so tortured, I prayed I never hear such a sound in my life again. His body convulsed again as he locked the flames of his misery inside him once again.

"Saint is the happiest person on Earth only with my baby Perth na~~~" I nuzzled his soft neck, whispering it into his ear. His sobbing stopped abruptly as he took a deep breath,

"They say you look good together. That he is more handsome than I am and so you deserve each other. The perfect couple." His voice was emotionless, hard as stone, dead. It chilled me to the bone. I hugged him tighter. Then loosened it to turn his face my way. I was met with an empty gaze. My skin crawled at it. Still, I gathered all my courage.

"Don't listen to what others say. The only perfect couple in this world is you and me; PerthSaint. No other. You are the one and only person on this planet who deserves me. And I'm lucky to have a kind, considerate, trustworthy lover like you. I'm the luckiest person on this planet because I have Perth Tanapon as my lover. We are the ones that look good together coz I don't know if you remember, but we never had to actively engage in fan-service in our hay-day; our chemistry, even when we were friends, were off the charts, that's why we still have so many fans. We gravitate to each other. And you are the most handsome male in my eyes."

He was still as a statue even as I kissed his much-loved cheeks softly. I crooned in his ear, calling him over and over. Still nothing. It was frustrating how he internalize everything. Maybe he'll come out of it if I go 'Pete-mode'?

I pouted. "Perth is not paying attention to me. Perth doesn't love me." I whined. Oh, that shook him out of whatever hellhole he was in, all right! But now he looked mad. Oooops! He took a deep breath, no doubt getting ready to rant at me about what I just said. I cut him off.

"Perth doesn't tell Saint anything. Hiding things. Very mean." I whined at him again.

He let out a sigh. Then stared off at a wall. Urgh! We are back to square one? Fine! This brat of mine could teach a mule a lesson or two about being stubborn!!!! I hugged him to me again, rocking us to sleep or at least I tried to. I felt small hands clutch my biceps.

"Don't think I have forgotten your shoot P'Saint. Go get ready. I'll make you breakfast."

I whined in protest. "Perth isn't happy and smiley yet. So, Saint isn't going."

"P'Saint-"

I whined at him, angrily this time. "Stop calling me P'~~~. I'm your boyfriend, not your P'"

"Well then, get yourself ready for the shoot 'boyfriend'." The last word was dripping with sarcasm.

I pulled back and pouted at him. I was determined to wheedle him today and make him realize I love him. I do love him. He is my baby.

"Perth is being mean~~~" I added a wobble to my lower lip. His eyes softened; a flicker of light shined from within them. Come on Saint, just a little more, one final push to break his walls. "Perth didn't take Saint anywhere in a long time." I blinked cutely as I continued, "And Perth is being unkind to Saint coz Perth thinks Saint doesn't love Perth and Perth is being harsh hiding things from Saint." He let out anther sigh and finally, finally, hugged me.