Silently Falling in Love: Again (Edited)

Chapter 4 - A Trip to Remember

Anjali – August 1993

I climbed into our tent; it was the last night of camping. After we'd climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, we'd spent the last two and a half months trekking around Eastern Africa. After tonight we were spending the last week in Cape Town and then Johannesburg for a few days before heading home to the States.

I swallowed and twisted my hands. I needed to have this conversation before the trip was over. Josh had acted funny the past few weeks, and I noticed something was off. School was finished. Our vacation was coming to an end, and we were about to enter the real world. I needed to learn if we could exist in the real world.

I took a deep breath. "Hey." I said.

"Hey. Did you finish packing? Our jeep picks us up in a few hours and we need to be ready when it arrives." Josh said.

"I realize that. It won't take me long to pack. We need to talk."

"About what? We have confirmed Cape Town lodging. It will feel so good to finally sleep in a bed!"

"About us," I said firmly.

"What about us?"

"What happens when we get back to the States? I start work­ in September in New York. Where are you going to be since you haven't found a job yet? And what does that mean for us?"

Josh was quiet and didn't glance up from his packing.

"Josh."

He looked up at me. "I'm not going back to the States. I'm staying."

"What are you going to do?" I asked shocked to my core. I hadn't expected this turn of events. It never entered my mind that Josh wasn't going back to New York City, much less the States.

"I'm going to find human interest stories and send them in as a free-lancer. I figure I can teach English and do odd jobs as I travel around Africa to support myself. If I get enough, maybe The New York Times will give me a stringer position."

"What does that mean for us?" I asked and held my breath for the answer.

"You're welcome to stay; you can travel with me and maybe find work here." He said as he continued to re-roll his clothes, so he didn't have to face me.

"Oh yeah, because the shantytowns of Africa are looking for an architect." I said bitterly.

"Don't be sarcastic Anjali. You can delay starting real life. Hasn't this been fun? Why do you want to end this so soon and get back to a predictable life? Don't you want to live a little?"

"I love being an architect. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. This is my dream come true. It's your dream to travel, my dream is to be in NYC designing cutting edge modern buildings. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living out of my backpack and spending my nights in a sleeping bag."

"Well, I'm not ready to settle down. I have nothing to go back to."

"You have nothing to go back for? I'm not worth going back for?"

"Anjali, I need to find my dreams and my way. Traveling has been so exciting. I don't want this to end. You've grown up traveling the world, but this is new to me and I'm having a blast. I want more of it. I want to become an international journalist and that will not happen sitting in NYC fetching coffee for an old fart."

I folded my clothes and rammed them into my backup to keep busy.

"Are you okay Anjali?"

"Wonderful. Why would you ask? You have your dreams and I have mine."

"Anjali, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to end this way. I thought I'd be able to convince you to stay," Josh said in a softer tone.

"That's a lie; you realized I'd never stay," I said as I flung my backpack behind me, "I hope you find whatever you're looking for."

Josh said something, but I didn't hear it because I walked out of the tent to get away from him.

It was then I understood that was his plan all along. He wanted the freedom to continue his adventures and experience the world. The last thing he wanted was to be tied down and that to an Indian girl from a traditional family. Within a few years I would be expected to marry, settle down, and have children. That wasn't the path Josh wanted to take. I didn't mind taking that path, in fact, that's what I wanted. I was glad I had waited until the end of the summer to ask where we stood. I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip knowing the relationship was about to end.

I put on my best game face and accepted the end of the relationship gracefully on the outside even though inside it was killing me. I laughed and smiled for the next two weeks in Cape Town and Joburg. We continued to share a room, but I didn't sleep with Josh again.

At the Johannesburg airport we said goodbye for the last time. We didn't make any promises to stay in touch. I boarded my eighteen-hour flight for NYC. As soon as I got on, I asked the flight attendant for extra blankets and pillows and curled into the window seat. As soon as we took off, I cried two weeks of tears into the cheap polyester airplane pillows. As soon as I soaked one pillow, I exchanged it for another.

I can't remember who was sitting next to me but halfway through the night I had the row to myself. My crying had scared him away. I had nine hours to recover from a two-year relationship with my first love, the man who had taken my virginity and my heart. My parents had no idea of any of it and I'd be meeting them at the airport and had to act as none of this had ever happened.

Two hours before landing, the flight attendant handed out our custom cards and breakfast. I asked for an extra glass of ice and wrapped the ice in a napkin and placed it on my eyes. I changed shirts, applied black eyeliner, pinched my cheeks and had a shot of Jim Beam. It was over, and I couldn't look back.