Silently Falling in Love: Again (Edited)

Chapter 46 - Aftermath

Alex – June 2008

I had pulled it off, an entire day with Anjali. It had been the most beautiful and terrifying experience of my life. I walked in the bathroom and splashed water on my face and stared at my reflection in the mirror. The reflection was a man who had just cheated on his wife. The boy who grew up going to the Gurdwara, and the church stared back accusingly, laden with guilt. My sense of ethics and knowing right from wrong gave me a sense of pride. I'd turned down work that didn't align with my values. I had difficulty lying. Yet, I had broken my wedding vows and committed adultery. The religious part of me felt guilty.

But the part of me that had been buried for so long didn't feel any regret. I'd repeat today given a second chance. Could you have no regret and feel guilty at the same time?

Thankful no one was home, I laid down on the sofa in my office.

The front door opened, causing me to head downstairs to see who was home. Had the kids play date ended early?

"Hi Honey."

"Christina, what are you doing home so early?" I asked shocked and surprised.

She walked up to me and put her arms around my neck and kissed me.

"What do I owe this for?" I asked trying to keep my voice from shaking.

"I closed the deal I've been working on for weeks! It will be a great year for us!"

The guilt rising in my chest made me feel nauseous. Christina was never lovey after closing a deal. Usually she was exhausted and wanted to drink wine and chill.

"Congrats, Chris, I know you've been working hard on this." I unwrapped her arms from around me.

"Thanks. I'm sorry for the harsh words last week. The stress of the deal got to me and I took it out on you. Let's celebrate the way we used to – dinner at a nice restaurant and dessert in bed. Can you arrange for the kids to spend the night at a friend's house? It could be like old times."

Her hands slipped under my shirt as she kissed my neck.

The guilt rose higher, and I pushed her away. "I'd love to Christina, but I have a massive headache. I don't think I'd be great company tonight. Can I take a rain check?"

She looked hurt and surprised. In all the years we'd been together, I'd never turned her down. I was the one being turned down. Ever the professional, she smiled and asked, "What's wrong? Are you coming down with something?"

"No, I've been working on trying to debug this program and I've spent the entire day staring at computers, my eyes hurt and now my head and I still haven't solved the problem."

Liar, liar, liar – my eyes hadn't hurt at all today, in fact I had the most incredible afternoon that I remembered in years. I hadn't even turned on my computer today. The lie came out so easily.

"I need to lie down. Do you mind picking up the kids since you're home early?"

"Sure, sweetheart. Let me know if you need something."

I walked upstairs to my office and shut the door behind me. It was good Anjali was moving away. She was right; we would never have been able to pull this off over an extended period.

Anjali – June 2008

Upon reaching home, I shed my clothes and threw them in the hamper. I had thirty minutes before I had to pick up the kids from school. I showered to wash away the smell of my sins.

The hot water ran over me as I absorbed that I had committed adultery, broken my vows, and cheated on my husband. I should have felt guilty, but I didn't feel any guiltier now than I had twenty-four hours earlier.

There was an age-old debate, which was worse emotionally cheating on your spouse or physically cheating on your spouse. I never had an opinion because I never related to either of the scenarios. I never fathomed doing either.

Out of the shower, I put on a forest green dress with a black band running down the middle and pulled on my matching green Prada heels. I had to look the part of an Investment Banker's wife.

It was different now. I'd emotionally cheated on Raj for the past two years. Whenever I needed to talk to someone the first person, I called was Alex, not Raj. Pick up and drop off at school were my favorite parts of the day because I'd see Alex. My kids' classes were timed with Alex' kid's classes so I'd see him.

The concealer under my eyes hid the puffiness and the foundation evened out my skin, which was flushed from the emotions and my sins. I applied more make-up. Just look the part. No one will know. No one looked at me beyond being skin deep.

But, today, I cheated physically too. Now I had firsthand experience of emotionally and physically. cheating on your spouse. Guess what? I had an answer. It's worse to cheat on your spouse emotionally. Today I hadn't felt anymore guilty than I had for the last two years. The physical sin had compared nowhere near the one I had already committed of giving my heart to Alex.

I finished with my favorite lipstick, Nars Afghan Red. It was the right amount of sultry without being too in your face. Ready, I rushed out the door and into my car.

Fifteen minutes later, I arrived at school. I sat in my car as I looked into the mirror to make sure I looked normal. This was the last time I'd pick up my kids from this school. There would be no more volunteering. There would be no more lunches with bottles of wines. There would be no more excursions to the movie theater. There would be no more laughter at my Hindi cursing as I made fun of other moms. This chapter of my life was over. The tears in my eyes welled up, and I pushed them down otherwise my precise application of make-up would be ruined.

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. And with that it I pushed the tears back.

I walked up the pathway for the last time. Absorbed in my thoughts I hadn't heard someone calling me.

"Anjali, wait up." I turned around and froze.

"Hi Christina, how are you? What a nice surprise seeing you at school."

"I know I rarely pick up, but Alex wasn't feeling well. He has a headache, which is odd because he never gets headaches. I hope he's not coming down with anything. Anyway, enough about him. How are you? I heard you're moving to London."

"Yes, we're leaving in a few days. Raj has been transferred to the London office. I hope Alex feels better." The guilt built up inside me. If I hadn't felt guilty before about physically cheating on my husband, I felt guilty now. Standing there talking to the wife of the person I'd just committed adultery with. I knew his headache had nothing to do with his health.

"It's more like a promotion. The fact Raj has been asked to run the London office is great! You know what that means don't you? Running an international office means they're grooming him for something big. That's so wonderful." She gushed.

"I don't know about that. We just take one day at a time. I'm sure it will be a good experience, but I wouldn't read too much into it."

"You're too modest, Anjali. If it were my husband, I'd be so proud of him. You're entitled to a little bragging."

I smiled, but he's not your husband and I'm not you. Funny how she was prouder of my husband than I was. Funny, how I didn't care what this meant for Raj's career. Funny how I'd rather have a husband who would let me wear a hoodie with tennis shoes, curse in Hindi and send my kids to a less haughty school. Funny how we women are never happy with the men we have.

"Well, I wish you the best of luck in London and I hope you keep in touch. Jasper and Leah will miss Karan and Vidya. In the short time they've known each other, they have developed such a beautiful friendship. Hopefully, they'll be able to continue it when you return to New York."

"Yes, of course. Thank you for your wishes. If you're ever in London, stop by."

We did the obligatory hug, the obligatory keep in touch, the obligatory good luck and then turned away knowing we would never keep in touch and we would never visit each other. But you said it anyway, you know, to be polite.