Until I Met You

16 | "you should hate me."

I'm not surprised when Luke doesn't show up for lunch. I'd expected as much from him, especially after the realization I'd came to in the hall this morning. The fact that Luke is avoiding me at all costs only proves my theory however, and this causes my heart to drop.

It's worse knowing that my friends are able to sense that something is wrong. I have a feeling they're starting to put two and two together about what's going on, as Luke and I had only just mended our strained relationship enough so that we could at least sit at the same lunch table.

And, of course, I had to ruin that.

I keep to myself for most of the period, not in the mood for conversation. Thankfully, my friends seem to notice this, and they don't pry me to speak.

I just feel so bad. Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why didn't I just listen to Luke when I had the chance? I feel like I've hurt him in a way that is irreversible, which hurts me as well. As much as I wish it wasn't true, part of me is attracted to Luke. And part of me always will be.

I don't realize I've been staring at the very boy of my thoughts until something catches my attention. I blink, my focus resurfacing. That's when I find that Luke is looking at me, too. For what feels like the millionth time since our worlds first collided, our gazes lock. However, this time I don't feel the need to look away in annoyance. This time, I doubt there's much that could make me look away.

Which is what I expect Luke to do, look away from me. But he doesn't. In fact, he stares me dead in the eye unblinkingly, as if to prove some point. That's when I notice the look in his eyes, though. A shattered, almost broken look. He was only trying to tell you how he felt, I think to myself bitterly.

How would I feel if I were in Luke's place? I try to imagine finally working up the courage to tell him what I felt, only to have him go off on me the way I did to him.

Needless to say, it's painful to simply think about.

Drifting out of my thoughts, I come to find that Luke has looked away. No, I realize. He hasn't looked away . . . he's left.

And it's my fault.

»»-----　　-----««

There's no way I'm going to be able to move on from everything knowing I have hurt someone the way I have Luke. I suppose that's why, when William drops Kendall and I off at home, I know there is somewhere else I have to go first.

When Kendall notices me heading for the front gate, she asks, "Where are you going?"

I pause, resisting the urge to snap something petty in response. I can still hear her voice in my head, asking me why I choose to always see the worst in her. I realize that I don't want to live in a world where all I notice is the bad in everyone else, including my own sister. Maybe if I hadn't started that habit, the two of us could live in another world. A world where Kendall and I can actually get along. Where we're friends who team up against our parents instead of suffer through the torments of our lives alone.